Grief...

I feel a heavy weight reading your words, Judit.

I love you 

J

I'll borrow my wife's shingle for a minute. I suggest as EB Fox did for 4 winds, that if the grief is pulling you down, find a therapist  and also be with the friends you love and do the things that make you happen. Don't put it off, as someone who worked in mental health for 25 years, I saw too many people let grief drag them down until they got to the point of hurting themselves. Be careful out there, we love you

Judit ~ after losing both my dad and my brother prematurely and in traumatic ways, I have learned that we never stop grieving. We continue to cycle through the stages at different times in our lives. Maybe a smell or a memory can trigger an enormous amount of sadness. In the days after my losses, at times I found it difficult to breathe and wondered how I could possibly go on and find happiness. I have learned when I am feeling sadness and missing them so much it hurts to breathe, I treat myself with "kid gloves". I let myself feel the emotions, have a good cry, scream, punch a pillow. I usually take myself somewhere I find peace ~ for me it's at the river or in the woods. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and release it. I like to talk to my dad and brother - it makes me feel connected to them like they are still sharing my life. I also like to do something for someone else - I volunteer at the SPCA or help out at the food pantry. I search for all of the beauty in this world (there's magic and signs all around if you are paying attention) and at times can feel them with me. Definitely seek professional help if needed and keep in contact with people you love and make you feel loved.

Now, I can't say this works all the time cause I still struggle with loss and feel it more now that I am getting older. I just learned that a co-worker of mine isn't coming back to work because she's been diagnosed with inoperable tumors on her brain and has been given 18 months to live. I am truly struggling with this. Overwhelmed with sadness for an amazing human being who won against an aggressive breast cancer only to have this handed to her. Sometimes I don't understand how life can be so unfair... but on the flip, life can be incredibly beautiful.

Not sure if what I had to offer helps but I love and adore you, Judit. My inbox is always open <3

Judit,

I'm so sorry- so much for you to bear, my friend in way too short of a time. 

I never dealt with the loss of my dad or other losses in a healthy manner until the past few years. It took me getting hurt at work a few years ago and having to see a therapist over it that resurfaced all of these issues. It's not easy to really go deep and have to go through the fire again to emerge at least half-way healed on the other side. But, I highly recommend talking to someone as it is helpful.

What also got me through was learning the power of forgiveness. Not to be cheesy, I was driving around sometime in the fall maybe 2015? Listening to the Dead channel and Unbroken Chain comes on... you know the line, "They're telling me forgiveness is the key to every door." As many times as I've heard that song, that day it just hit me hard, and I knew it was time to forgive the people in my life who are no longer in it for one reason or another- basically, I felt abandoned with my dad's loss. I was angry at him and the other driver....so many why's I would never have answers to. I knew if I kept hanging on to that anger, it would be no good, and that was true. When I let that song wash over me, it was like church and I let those mad feelings go. And what's weird, is that on three separate bikes rides in Chicago of neighborhoods very far from each other, there was the word Forgive spray painted by the same artist on the sidewalk. It just kept speaking to me, and doors started to open for me that lead me in positive directions. 

Also, keeping busy for me has been key whether it's work, seeing shows, hanging out with people I love, messing around on the internet ;), etc.

Lastly, it's more than okay to be sad and cry as many tears as will fall. Like you said, these people made up the fabric of your life. Just be sure to pull yourself out of it with coping strategies and move throughout the rest of the day as best as you can.

Love you Judit.

I hear a lot of good about grief counseling and it's a vey open wound.

Love you, Judit and I hate to hear you're hurting.  I'll send you my number because ...

Hey Judit. 

First off - send me a note whenever you need to. Just vent. Unload on me - I am a polite Canadian, I will take it then apologize. 

Now for what I do to deal with my demons...

I got a set of mesh head electronic drums. 

I go downstairs and kick the shit out of those things within an inch of their lives. Sometimes to music I like, but since we're being honest here, the majority (95%) of the time I start in tears and end in tears. 

I find it gives me a time and place to just physically get the poison out of me. I take off my glasses, turn off the lights and just give 'er... These are not musical journeys - this is flailing until exhaustion. 

But it helps. For me, it helps tremendously. I can't do much with my bad hand but the mesh heads have enough give to not cause me physical pain. 

It may not be what works for you but I have come to appreciate knowing I have found a valve I can control to release the shit I carry around without scaring my wife and kids or myself.

But feel free to reach out whenever. As I understand it, our job here is to shed light, not to master.

Hi Judit,

I'm very sorry to hear about the losses you've experienced.  Sending my best wishes to you and yours~

>>>So, how do you deal with grief? What do you do to work with it, manage it, find energy to move day-to-day, see light?

I have a therapist I really hit it off with and he's helped me immensely.  I also find it therapeutic and beneficial to spend time with my daughter and the other kids in my life.  Hanging with kids has taught me a lot about myself and how to deal with many of life's hard edges.  Lastly, I enjoy losing myself in my hobbies- I think it's important to have an outlet- something to remove you from the grind of life- even if its just for a little bit.  It could be something as simple as coloring in an adult coloring book, completing a puzzle or reading.  Do you live near any parks or places of natural beauty?  I enjoy interacting with strangers and find that, in itself, very refreshing as there are no pre-conceived social notions or obligations and you never know who you could meet.  

I sincerely hope some of our ideas can spark something in you to help you deal.  <3

Judit we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way. I believe that it is helpful to express our feelings so thank you all for sharing with me. Also thank you all for your  patience with  me going on about Steven. He left 5 1/2 years ago. It makes me feel better to talk about him, to cuss him for leaving, to laugh at his jokes, & remember all the music & other good times. I still remember advise he gave me & it still is applicable in my daily life.

I don't think our friends really leave us, they just take on a different form. Of course I am selfish & jealous. I want him here to love & yell at. I still want to be able to give him advise & receive his advise. I still want the fun & good highs. I still want the love.

But you know I still do love him. I still yell at him. I still receive his advise when I think of his weaknesses & his strength. I still laugh when I remember his jokes, kind heart, & silly ways.

There are places I go & when there I have to scream his name as loud as I can.

I am glad that I have had & have him in my life.

Am I stronger or weaker without him & others in my life? Nope, I was already fucked-up.

But one thing I do know is that I do love him & he is my brother.

<< I have a therapist I really hit it off with and he's helped me >>

I thought thats what this place did. What are we chopped liver ?

Lost my dad at 17. My mom to pancreatic cancer 15 years ago, 6 months after being diagnosed after living a drug, alcohol and smoke free life eating farm fresh food every day.

I buried 3 close friends, 1 bro in law, and 1 first cousin's husband in the last 3 months, 2 to cancer. Hurt lots. But like the show, life must go on. Still too much to do to let sorrow get in the way or dominate the vibe for too long. Live well remembering the good times, be thankful you had em'. We're all going there too someday and you don't want yer loved ones feeling too shitty about it, do you ? You'd want them to celebrate you.

Like planting a garden every year in memory of your friend,  Judit.

Rejoice rejoice, we have no choice - but, to carry on

do something you enjoy.

go outside, get some sun.

smell the river, the trees or sea air.

volunteer for something that you believe in.

people come in and out of our lives. be thankful for knowing them. smile and be thankful for their friendships.

you will make others.

love to you judit.

I haven't had much experience with grief so far, but I'm sure that if I live longer, it will certainly find me.  Just imagining losing my wife is super hard (so I try not to go there).  I can't begin imagine how all your combined losses must feel, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best. 

And I know those who have passed would be (are) wanting you to be at peace as well.

So sorry for your losses , Judit, and i am in the midst of some similar feeling as well, but not nearly to the depth you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.

Ive lost three dear friends in 7 months, all to the disease of addiction. All were very close friends, one of which i lived with for a time, and was friends with for over 35 years (and a fellow dead-head...saw a ton of shows together).

I struggle on a daily basis w my own issues  w this disease and have been clean and sober for over a decade, and im finding that i cant really get past the sadness and then the anger stages of grief...but, im wrkng on it...

Pray ....meditate....if you enjoy either or both, and i echo Turtle's advice about volunteering. For some reason (because im lazy as shit at heart), even though i work a lot of hours weekly, just in the past 2 weeks ive had this thought of volunteering somewhere. I dont even know what "prompted" the thought etc, but, i can tell you when and where i was when the thought came to me. When shit like that happens to me, i just trust it, and go w it. So, im going to start volunteering at an elderly living facility very soon.

I hope you find your peace, Judit....try and stay busy, and the only other thing i highly recommend is to try and create something...wether it be painting, drawing, writing, playing music, spraying graffiti, or building a sand castle----create. Take all those emotions and put them "into" something else. Its a great release etc. Lastly, when in doubt? Get outside...move a muscle-change a thought idea etc

Peace, love, and positive vibes sent your way, J. And to Raz, and all others hurting today

i fucking love all you motherfuckers...

There is a lot of light streaming and beaming  ostensibly from the darkness

Yes they are all still the fabric of who you are and who you will be

And they will never be gone, they are with you

If you need to forgive yourself for being sad and hurting

Do it

be here now

big love to all   All of you   All of the time

long love the light

And thank you for sharing I am with you in tears and inspired

Turtle giving some top shelf advise there. Being active is key. Don't wana spend too much time alone.

Alone time leaves too much time to think, which can lead to depression.  Loneliness is such a drag - Jimi

Go walk the beach, the rivers or mountains. 

Go on downtown baby find somebody to love - Gregg

Yer life aint over, its just starting a new chapter, possibly the best one. And we're here to make sure that happens my Sisters + Brothers

All differences aside, when the shit gets real, we're here for one another. Count on that

Shit is real.     Not fade away

Sorry for you losses Judit, they really do leave a hole in the heart, and scar tissue just doesn't feel like the original tissue, but it's strong. 

I've lost several family members and close friends recently, a few really knocked the wind out of me.  It's been pretty hard to get back up.

I've found that being with community that knew those friends, and talking / sharing stories, comforting each other is huge in the grieving process. Holding it in by yourself is no bueno!  Need to keep being social and getting out into the breeze, the sun, nature (as turtle said)

Music is also a great healer, as is the arts in general, so don't loose your groove!!!

Finally, travel can help break one out of our normal routines, and you never know what cosmic things can happen along the way...   basically, not much is going to change at home, unless you can get out into the world of new possibilities.  To that end i'm about to do a big trip thru Idaho and Montana, visiting a few friends, doing some rock hounding / mining, and while setting it up, have met new people that are opening up their world for us.  It's nice to not sleep while thinking of the future, rather than not sleep while lamenting on the past.  

When I get back I think we should do a rock hounding trip together, know a spot by Fall Creek reservoir that has some nice carnelian, if that's the kind of thing you might enjoy!  Otherwise, stay strong, feel loved, and keep on dancing to the music!  

Interesting that such a sad thread can bring out the best in people. Well done folks.

Judit, you know I love you and you have my number. Please call anytime you need to talk with someone.  I am here for you. Some of your losses we share as you know. I lost 2 of my very best friends in Walt and Steve Harris.  And few losses were greater than losing Bart. I lost a 12 yr old girl that I was trying to help on the same day that my Mother passed. Grief sucks, but it is inevitable.

https://youtu.be/LpacAJzfBNY

i got nothing but love

We haven't forgotten youz -

And if it's bad
Don't let it get you down, you can take it
And if it hurts
Don't let them see you cry, you can make it

https://youtu.be/FBnSWJHawQQ