The Official 2020 Zonies Awards Thread

Lumber.... seems we can't keep the Zoners away.... even though it is highly discouraged... but you know Zoners.. they don't pay attention to rules.

On my way out of the theater I spotted this guy... I'm thinking he's a Zoner cause of the bourbon on the rocks he brought with him...he's ready to party.  

Buddy, stay away from the popcorn!  (I tried to warn him. I hope he has a real bidet and not just a Goodwill water pic duct taped to the side of the bowl, like one enterprising Zoner we know.)

Mike on my way out I'd like to nominate you for your recent most-ilkely-to-bomb-thread-but-didn't:  "Most Generous Prize for a Zoner Contest."

You actually got some participation form the couch rocks that inhabit the black screen. 

I'm skeptical your Zoom will work as well. But you get points for being so optimistic and gosh-darn cheerful.

I would think you would make a good MC for the Zonies, but you seem a little too good natured. Can you be a little more of a snarky dick please? It's a rough job for the thick-skinned. This crowd has been known to throw things.

Jeez Mike, I thought you grew indica this year. Meeeellllow out. You might get drafted to provide some organization to this fiasco. Do you really want to leave it to the kids? They are angry. Very angry this year. I thought of Hoover, too.

E, in honor of the year of armed protest and open carry, I think anything goes. Nominate away. Make some rules in 2020, and before ya know it, ya got Black Screen Matters stickers plastered all over your laptop. and Proud Boys stealing your Bumblebee shirts.

But we need to be inclusive now that Biden is in. I think all those lurkers should join in for their annual post. Their opinions count, too.

Jeez I wake up this morning and there's one solid nomination already and some disgruntled Zoners.... good work folks. Keep it up.

Personally I don't quite think E deserves "Most Revolting Post of the Year"... there's gotta be more retched verbal spew than a simple implied go-kill-yourself comment. Hell, we got the Covid Satan and Gregulator in strong contention. Probably more  But we have to start somewhere.

Speaking of starting off -- let's start simple:" Best Zoner Gathering of 2020."

I can only think of two in the running and one hasn't even happened: LLOLLO's summer gathering on the beach, and Mike's Zoomer jam.

Based on the food alone I think we know who the winner is:

So unless we get some other nominations real soon, I think we can melt down a few more of John Mayer's gold watches and cast a new Zonie statue and hand it out to LLOLLO right away.

Staying with the simple-is best-theme to help us warm up, I think we should roll right into the "Jezus, We're Glad you Made It" category: Best (or Worst) Health-related Post.

Now I know some of you wil consider it bad taste to toast a story about someone's misfortune, but that's not what we are doing. We are toasting the fact that the Zoner had the fortitude to share intimate details of their health related challenges to perfect strangers -- often from the confines of a hospital bed.

Now my memory is shaky, but I know we have BK's story of them removing body parts, Plf's story about them adding body parts, and Flashback Tim's story about body parts just falling apart.  There's probably more. Thoughts on a winner?

(I was saving this pic for a Bryen thread, but we can use it here now.)

That's two solid categories for the first day of the festivities. I'd like to propose we get some nominations for a third easy-to-judge category related to the above; a much coveted award for those who couldn't even put on a bandaid in the rain, muchless make it into med school in Greneda -- The Dr Zoner Award -- for medical advice you wouldn't even give someone you really hate.  Usually a forgotten award, this past year has brought out the Dr Kildare in us all.

Now I seem to recall Disco Stu and Timpy prescribing hor water baths for heart attacks or something...maybe it was edibles for leprosy... I forget. And there was that guy who wanted us all to shove flashlights up our butt to kill Covid. Maybe they are one and the same...I can't remember.

Can we get some nominations, please? For the black screen poster who might save your life one day? Or kill you. Who best deserves to be called Dr Zoner?

Dave, that's a good one. Perhaps you can research a possible contender too, so we can vote. It's rare that outside of certain political categories there is such a clear winner right away. Was that really a Slacker post? He doesn't usually start threads. (I always wondered why Slacker replied with such cryptic posts - like little fortune cookie messages -- until I realized he's Zoning using a phone.)

I'll tell you right now, based on your current excursion, you are in the running for "Most Heartfelt / Feelgood Story," but we have two weeks to get to the good stuff. These younger Zoners want to get their daggers out right away -- ever since video games, kids have no patience. 

Dudes, will you please cut RRG a little slack and nominate her for a proper award? She shows up every year, in spite of the fact that we forget to put fresh-cut daisies in the ladies room.

Remember, this is not a personality contest -- it's an awards ceremony. Maybe be a little more specific in your condemnations / commemorations and reference the post of hers that you found most inspiring. Or not. No rules.

I mean do you really want to make this place like a Kimock show in Sebastopol, with a 100 to 1 male / female ratio?

Plus, I hear she's a real nurse in a real hospital, and although she probably can't legally dispense drugs online, she might save your ass when you choke on the cheeseballs in the lobby.  

Pyramid -- Best Zone Stalker is a category, you;re right. But I'm stuck on the word "Best." Most Persistent?  Most Mentally Unbalanced? Quickest to Respond?

Please elaborate and nominate two or more Zoners for this prestigious award. 

Ahh the esteemed Deader Than Thou. Good one Slacker. Now we are getting somewhere.

Although technically Bryen was only Jerrier Than Thou, wasn't he? Did he even ever go to a Dead show (not that that matters to be a Zoner in good standing).

Still, I think you're on the right track. Any other tour rats worth mentioning besides those two nominations?

Can we get some votes for one or the other?

JR, Personally, I think Gregulator might be in play for Best Comeback of the Year, because he had the balls to start posting again after that embarrassing melt. Points for bravery. He's a warrior.

In addition to an award, I was thinking that we could make him the official Zone liaison to the Boogaloo Boys, or something. 

Could you maybe see if you have any Hawaiian shirts that fit him? If he wants to be a Proud Boy instead, we may have to shop for bumblebee shirts. See Judit for the credit card. 

And get him something he likes, cause you don't want to piss these guys off.

<what is "flouncy" dough?>

Baker talk -- I think it is the opposite of a hard roll (wink, wink)

^  I did find a picture titled "Flouncy Dough" on a top-rated pizza-makers site...hey hey eyes on the hot slice gentlemen, the term refers only to the pizza. Pervs.

Actually, if you were staring at something other than the pizza, you probably don't have to worry about flouncy dough, so that's good. Please proceed back to the nominations and awards for Gregulator and other notable Zoners. 

In the Heartfelt Stories Award category already mentioned, in addition to Dave, I nominate Jay Siobud and maybe even Slacker for sharing their personal travails. All good family men. I'm sure I'm leaving more folks out... I can barely recall what I read ten minutes ago, much less months back, so please add your own nominees.

(pssst...Turtle,  ^ have you by chance seen her at the beach, cause we need some go-go dancers at the final awards ceremony. Can you hook us up?)

JR - Damn, I hope you are wrong as I've completely bought into the Slacker mythology.  You saying the whole pool boy thing is fake news?  The whole real estate whining is a fraud?  Don't tell me Easu is an actor he hired? Shit.... 2020 is so confusing. If that's true, he should get an award for Biggest Fraud Pulled on the Electorate. That's very 2020.

Blackrock -- I think someone thought of that... matzah pizza

< or was it snorted?  >

Well, I hope someone can cover this thread tomorrow. I've been tailgating all day (if you couldn't tell) and the Ravens won and I'm probably going to have a headache and sleep all day.

If things get dull, you can always nominate Bryen and his ilk for one contemptible thing or another.

The Bickering Boys deserve some recognition for the Endless Argument Award. Music-related awards are always worthy. There are some great Zoner players.

And LLTD  definitely deserves something for his massive literary output this past year - Crankiest Old Man Award (I mean that in a good way) or  maybe the Bad Poet Award, definitely the Bryen-First-Resonder Award, or other esteemed nomination. 

Judit and Lance should both be nominated for the My DIrty Little Secret Story Award -- in case you missed it, in the wee hours of the night it was revealed in Mike's Story Contest thread that Judit is like Phil's half sister or something and Lance once worked as a stand in for Bill Walton in a Dead video. Plenty to do.

Later

I'm still recovering from that crazy football game, which resulted in the following headline the the next morning: Lamar Jackson Swears He Didn’t Poop During Game ! No shit. Real headline.

And I’ve been snowed in. Around here, the first snow of the season is like a mini pandemic freak out.  It’s amazing anything is left on the shelves. That dreaded black ice everyone fears is everywhere but no one exactly knows what it is or how to spot it. Shouldn’t they really call it invisible ice? Isn’t that the point? Sounds a little racist to me.

I see you all have been busy. Not.

What can you expect on a dbmb with names like "do-little" and "slacker"? Not the most productive crew.  Today I should be re-signing-in as “lazy ass old guy who should be out shoveling but is going to procrastinate and hope the sun melts it all or probably pay the kid across the street.”

(Oh. And before we get back to nominations, I would like affirm that, even though my lovely wife wouldn’t be party to any nonsense, I checked and my testicles all seem to be in the right place – except they are riding a little high in the saddle if you know what I mean, because it is so friggin chilly. If I type in a high pitched voice today, it’s only that – the weather.)

Speaking of cold weather reminds me we probably should include some of the Vermont contingent in the nominations. You have to admit, they are pretty active and  Which goes to show, if you live on a tropical island you have better things to do than argue politics with strangers. But we should be thankful for their participation or our hosting service could shut down this website for lack of bandwdith usage.

For the Probably a White Guy With Dreadlocks Award, I'd like to nominate Pyramid. Personally I don''t engage in most political threads, but I admire his tenacity and idealism, however misplaced.  I think every old boomer message board needs such a poster. Where you get the energy, I don't know. I don't really associate speed with Vermont, so maybe cut back on the espresso, cause you can get a little aggressive in an obnoxiously mean way.  Keep up the good work.

And speaking of energy, I gotta nominate another Vermonter, Brian K, as Most Resilient Zoner, also known as The Energizer Bunny Takes a Licking And...Award.  Now, like I mentioned, I only skim the political threads, but this guy takes a lot of shit from all directions and no matter what, responds in a sensible manner. I don't mean his responses themselves are sensible, but he responds with a sensible demeanor.  He ain't slinking away -- he always has a comeback, whether you agree or not. He also may have too much time on his hands, but not much to do in Vermont if you don't farm arugula. Speaking of resilient, he also posted from his hospital bed this past year, which is always above and beyond Zoning. So he gets my nomination for this award.

Lumber -- HIPAA....jeeeez

Can someone who tracks this shit tell me who the socks were this year. (just by their sock names)?  Were they a problem this year like in the past? By the rules, socks get no awards.

I don't know about you, but knowing I might be conversing with an imaginary persona using an alias on an anonymous message board is so many levels below reality, it dissuades me from casual conversation. Who wants to embarrass oneself?   Like Grateful Dean once said, "It's like talking to a mime's shadow."  

Some people seen to like it.

et the judges be lurkers. The only true objective observers.  

I agree

>I'd like to move that we have only one award, ZOTY, and that it be given to Timpy's Broken Phone..<

I agree with this, too. At least the first part. BK is sensible. 

I need to go out and shovel before the snow gets too wet.

But speaking of shoveling, I'd like to leave the Zone today with one last nomination in spite of the fact that everyone in 2020 is sick of nominations, elections, awards, and frankly...everything. I get it. We can just stick to ZOTY by me.

Our favorite rock hound and gold miner, Noodler, definitely should be nominated as Zoner Weatherman. You might prefer to nominate him for pictures or memes, but for me his talent is as a virtual storm-chaser, and hence he deserves. the Zoner I Want Around in a Natural Disaster Award. That dude knows his katabatic winds, which is not a symptom of an intestinal condition.

I don't know where he gets those pictures from, but during this year's catastrophic fires, volcanoes, and hurricanes, etc, I found myself getting the most updated and detailed newsfeeds from Noodler.  Thanks.

Not to spill family secrets passed down through the generations since Abraham, but the advantage of having tri-testicles (including  possibly an award-winning. virtual one) is thus:

95 % of the women in the world, including YOUR very wife, or girlfriend, or significant other wil answer the first question with a "No" and  95% of them will answer the second question with a "Yes" --

"Ever do it with a guy with 3 testicles?" and "Do ya wanna?"

How do I know? Let's not get into that.

Now, I hope you guys decide to have a awards ceremony or not. I can always use the place for a rave and have some real fun. Lemme know.

man, now ya got me all paranoid Lumber.... but I just danced around the living room in my loosest red boxers and all I experienced was the sound of Jingle Bells...which means all is cool at the South Pole this Holiday season. 

(now if it was Silent Night I was hearing down there, I'd be very worried, but thankfully, the chestnuts will be roasting)

If we are doing inanimate objects for ZOTY, can I nominate Bryen's chess set ?

It was with us since the collusion investigation, all during the impeachment proceedings, and throughout the election. Supposedly, it comes with an endless amount of checkmates.

I don't want to make any predictions, cause it's not up to me to decide, but I just want to point out that I notice that esteemed young Zoner, Jay Siobud, is making a strong move for the 2020 Best Heartfelt Story / Feelgood Award.

I mean, he not only posted multiple pics of his kid in his "What's become of the Baby" thread, but threw in additional shots of a kitten!

Did any one else notice the blatant grab for cutest-pic-ot-the-year? Not to mention, adding a a sprinkle of solo-dad-ing adventures.

That's kitchen-sink Zoning folks, from a very determined candidate. The adorable-meter is pinned in the red.

Unless Herbal Dave stops to help Jimmy Carter rebuild a soup kitchen in a church for orphan refugees, Jay is gonna take this award hands down.

This tread percolated up gain, huh?

Well, while it's here, I think I'd like to make a "serious" nomination.

No matter who's side you are on, I think you'll agree that Portland Ken deserves the 2020 Zoner War Correspondent Award.

I mean, not many (sane) people would willingly wade into the urban civil unrest that he does. No one attending these gatherings seem very civil. So I appreciated his dispatches from the front lines.

And fashioning body armor from recycled tv dinner trays and and old termite inspector gear does take some ingenuity. 

It seems he uses common sense, but I sincerely hope he doesn't get caught up in some melee.  I'm actually hoping his services are not needed in the year ahead.

Here's a nomination you might have to vote on: Best Zoner Salute of 2020. I'm surprised we haven't had more entries in this category.

Although these nominations came thru Judit's mail slot just as glossy photos with no names attached, the West coast postmarks lead us to believe we are looking at real Zoners in Seattle, Palo Alto, and Southern California. One looks stylish, one looks slightly eccentric, and one looks aquatic so make your best guess. 

All are contenders for this coveted award.

BK - you don't have to be so uptight all the time. I guess it's that Yankee Puritan seriousness surfacing. Lighten up. Embrace the stupid.

Maybe take a little break from slaying Zoner dragons and defending freedom from the clutches of the willfully ignorant  trolls all the time (though your tireless work is truly appreciated). 

Maybe try putting your shoes on the opposite feet and hanging a bandana outta your fly and walk around town whistling God Bless America until someone notices.

Maybe grab a whippet and a watch some old cartoons. 

^^ Good work. BK. You covered some major ground with nominating these noteworthy Zoners for their due rewards.

I endorse all your nominations except for the Bry one. Don't be so cruel to Jill. Better she stay celibate. I think you mean Deborah Koons, anyway.

(Though now that Phil is busy working packaging for the local cartel to help pay bills at TXR, Jill might have some spare time.)

^ Portland gets all the good "shows"

damn - you're ona roll bro...but you forgot...

Most likely to hitchhike across the country without any money to get Koons' autograph on his Pure Jerry XXVII collector's edition box set, the entire Warfield 94 run, while wearing khakis, a white polo, and holding a tiki torch, all the while delusionally lusting for Joan Osborne in his darkest of dark hearts, for delusion was his daily companion and personal demon (along with the everpresent jug of cheap vodka supplied to him by his Russian handler --- it was part of the deal to infiltrate the unholy remains of the insidious Phil Zone).

My Zone memory is hazy beyond a couple days back, but I do remember a noteworthy thread that should probably elicit a nomination for the  Zone's educational Ancestry Dot Com Award.

Someone please stop by Javs Corner store next time they are in Chile and tell him we really appreciated him sharing his heritage. A intriguing tale of escape,espionage,and empire building, spanning generations.

It explains Javs' fiery political passion and his contempt for this country's greatest institutions.

But if I were him, I'd be proud that I was the secret love child of Castro's favorite limo driver and Che Guevara's personal nun. Nothing to be ashamed about.

^ Gentleman (and Lady), just for the sake of this Holiday season could you maybe dress the everyday insults in their Award Thread finery?

Not that there's a formal dress code or anything, but it is a special occasion.

You can trash talk each other so much better than that .. I've seen it.  Let's put some dressing up in the dressing down. 

Ok fair enough, but can you maybe phase the insults like an award-centric Zoner version of Jeopardy? Maybe like if Don Rickles was Alex Trebek?

Something like:"Alex, I'll take Best Zoner Drugs 2020  for 400." 

And Alex says something like, "Pills!"

And then you say, "What is Timpy's favorite breakfast cereal?"  

Is that Jeopardy? It's been so long since I stayed home from school and got to watch afternoon tv. 

^ Timpy I'm not implying anything. Just using you as an example for BK.

But I encourage you too to be more creative, too. You're not on the Garden state Parkway having a road rage incident. 

It's a once a year thread, so keep it classy. Something's bound to rhyme with shitbag. (I'll be really impressed if you can rhyme diverticulosis.)

Or you guys can go back over to the Endless Argument Thread -- this week featuring: What is Better Ethanol or Super Leaded? and argue to your heart's content.

Hey roll back - I said no rules at the top of the thread. I'm just making a minor plea for less bickering... you can do what you want, of course.

However, my thread model is like when the Dead played the Black and White Ball March 1969.  Amusing and Classy. Compared to say, the scene outside the Warfield when JGB played.

Here Timpy -- you can borrow this:

Please don't call Brian K mister,

He's got something weird going with his sister.

I feel bad every day, that he has diverticulosis, 

But he really shouldn't say: "Why don't you lick my toes, sis?

If you want, you can always somehow use "I've got to take a slow piss", too.

March 15, 1969: Hilton Hotel, San Francisco

http://deadsources.blogspot.com/2013/06/march-15-1969-hilton-hotel-san-f...

^ link cut off:

http://deadsources.blogspot.com/2013/06/
march-15-1969-hilton-hotel-san-francisco.html

 <Jay Siobud as Zoner of the Year>

I third this nomination, because...

as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness.
Let our chant fill the void,
in order that others may know.
In the land of the night,
the ship of the sun,
is drawn by the decent, hardworking, single parent Zoners

If we can get a handful of additional yeahs -- I think the crumpled up napkin in Judit's purse says about six, give or take a half dozen -- we can proceed to the ritual slaughtering of a virgin albino calf, which due to squeamish Zoners and cancel culture, has been replaced this year by a sightly moldy turnip.

And after that we can party. 

Socially distanced.

With masks.

Jaz, I heard that the Zoner Electoral Community College is convening.

They say it's like a Renaissance faire without the turkey drumsticks and cleavage. There is jousting. And mead. Lots of mead.

Zoner delegation from the East

Zoner delegation from the West

Old Zoners Who Saw the Dead Delegation

Young Zoners Who Never Saw Jerry Delegation

Bryen's Russian handler said he's check in on the election tally and frankly, Viva's IT Dept can't stop him, so he's in attendance virtually.

Between the impeachment and the pandemic and the election, he sure has contributed to the thread count  in 2020 and probably deserves an award of some type.

But since he recruited Greg and Dan, too, he gets nothing.

1995-version-Byren got denied admittance for some outstanding public nuisance matter. But since he is in perpetual denial, he swears he's in attendance.

We might have a Judit sighting...don't know as all those old Oregon hippy ladies sorta look alike

and ever since refreshments were served, my eyesight seems to be a bit blurry or something. Must be the all dust in the parking lot.

 <Did I win anything yet?  If so contact my people.>

4 Winds, Sorry but the Election Entertainment Committee asked me to remind you that paid staff and event volunteers are ineligible. They show you participating in one more cage match with another female Zoner on the Event Calendar  ------  actually, I've just been informed that that just was a request in Judit's suggestion box from some old Zoner perv. You can ignore the call.

A non-political insult thread would be refreshing, though. Maybe next year.

Hold on a sec...here comes the Head Judge of the Zoner Electoral College and Best Weed Contest with an announcement...

"In a year marked by outrageous lies,stupendous corruption, economic peril, pandemic, fire, mass brainwashing, near civil war and a lot of yelling -- it is requested bya sizable population of interested Zoners (about 4, maybe 6) and tens of thousands of Zone lurkers, that this year, the coveted Zoner of the Year Award be awarded to a relatively normal, all around nice guy just trying to get by, raise a kid in a crazy world, and grow a few plants in the bathroom cupboard.

Drumroll pleeeeeeeeezzzze: In honor of Philip Chapman Lesh himself,..."