Finding Forgiveness in Southeast Texas - Many Hugs, One Drug, Many more Hugs

Hi Mark,  Nasa just spent 10 billion and 10 years on the the most technologically advanced telescope the world has ever seen in an effort to get a possible glimpse of that primary light they so desperately want to see.  I spent 350,  was flown to that primary light in under 3 seconds and was allowed around 10 minutes, from what i was told,  to spend in it. Best money I've ever spent on myself. Ever. 

Nothing but more tears of joy today. The waves keep crashing in. Just Incredible. I'm 100% a believer.

Judit, thank you for your kind words and your healing love.  You've always been the anchor here and for good reason. :-) Your family friend is trying to heal the world, and they are succeeding, one ceremony at a time. Please encourage him. Bless his heart. This is critical work for the human race;  needed now, more than ever.

I was alo fortunate enough to be in the position to sponsor another person. Oddly enough, we pulled in together to the site at the exact same time. Greeted, walked and  talked for a while. It wasn't until the end of the ceremony when we were talking about our experience when I found out he was the person i was able to sponsor. A young Afghan veteran, on his second ceremony.  In his first ceremony, he went straight to blackness, the void, and spent time staring at the cosmos. Said it was unbelievably beautiful.

This time, he went straight to his owm personal hell and fought the hard fight. He claimed he had a full exorcism  that was truly life altering.  We hugged and cried together. There's much anecdotal evidence that Bufo is unbelievably good at treating deep PTSD and addictions.. His girlfriend texted today and said how grateful she is to have him "back".  Happy, confident, his skin looks better, etc. 

Bufo medicine isn't social, and no amount of L  or psilly can prep you for this.  It rips any and all pretense you had about conventional reality constructs from your being even before you exhale. and then takes your true core being immediately to the full core truth of our existence in a split second, whether you're ready for it or not. If you're hiding something, it comes out quickly.

This was a group ceremony.  6 shamans and 11 weary souls looking for answers . 11 strangers, in an extremely loving, caring, supportive environment., but completely baring ourselves and our fears and to one another in an effort to find what we were each looking for. That, in and of itself, is uncommon bravery in this day and age. 

We each took the spirit in one at a time while everyone else focused all of their attention and energy on the brother or sister who was going in. This is not a toy, not an exaggeration and not for everyone. I spent a month of mental prep for this and two days of fasting before the ceremony.  That's how badly I wanted help. And those efforts paid off more than I could've ever hoped for.  All ages, all backgrounds. One super cool young man was a K-6 music teacher from the East coast and took 3 days off for this ceremony.  Those kids are incredibly lucky to have a teacher like him. 

We watched each other dry heave, vomit, drool profusely,, scream at demons, yell out for god and  Jesus in extreme fear because they weren't prepped for the instantaneous blast off to the light shown to us at the point of death, cry deeply (me), laugh joyfully(me), try to stand and run away or roll around screaming trying to get away from the truth. No matter the reaction, the shamans would gather around and embrace the traveler with love,  place their foreheads on the traveler's head, and each time the person would calm down quickly.  These people know how to handle literally any situation.

The women were the calmest. The guys were the most reactive.. Not surprising considering it strips you of any ego in 0 seconds, and us guys like our egos.. No way to prep for that. Bare-ass naked to the light. No one urinated or defecated themselves, but it isn't uncommon during what is essentially a death experience. No matter how difficult the path was for anyone, at the end of the ceremony, we were all where we wanted to be. Better beyond belief. 

this was the ceremony area. Most dressed in white. The shamans smudged everyone before entering the area.  Full ritual ceremony.  94 degrees at 11 am. (*f''n Texas)

Oh, and Phuck Pfizer. They got lots of my money over the years profiting off of my misery, when the only thing they were truly concerned about getting right was market share.

Mark, I stopped using big pharma poisons around '08. Used them since '98. They tore me up while using them, but especially when trying to quit using them, I had the emotional qualities of a robot. What a great way to spend 10 years. Thanks, Phuckers.

Zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, doxepine. Band-aids are where the big profits are.. Cures don't generate enough revenue to keep CEO's at the head of the stockholder's meeting table for very long.

The problem was in me and I wasn't dealing with it. I dealt with it wholeheartedly last Saturday (which on my calendar is now New Year's Day, forever more). 10 minutes. 10 mind blowing, truly transformational, indescribably beautiful minutes. 

2 notes....

1.  This journey was a lifetime in the making, but it was dear Dr. Noodler's post last year (Thank you for posting that!!!) regarding his invitation of his attacker to join in with others for a Thanksgiving celebration ......which floored me. I was not in any mental state to understand that level of forgiveness, nor had I ever been. And it got me thinking deeply as to why I couldn't do that. I knew. I just didn't want to deal with it, and I made up my mind that I'm sick and tired of this dead weight I've been dragging around for what seemed llke my entire life, so I started researching true healing medicine. I wanted to feel real and whole before I took my last breath here.

2.  In 1983 or 4, there was pamphlet written called, Bufo Alvaruius: The Psychedelic Toad of the Sonoran Desert by a man named Ken Nelson (aka, Albert Most). He was the first person known to write about the medicine, and he described everything about the toad's life cycle, habitat, how to milk the parotid glands and how to smoke the dried venom. In that booklet, he described the proper dosage at 3mg - 5mg and you will reach the white light. Stanislav Grof, a professional psychiatrist with much experience with psychedelics, described his first encounter with the medicine as unlike anything else, including around 150 Lsd trips, sometimes up to 1200ug,  He said that he smoked around 30mg and never smoked that amount again because it was so intense. 

This church starts dosage at 75mg and adjusts on up from there. These people don't believe in dipping your toe in the water. Much more like diving in head first with concrete blocks tied to you. You're going in deep and shit's getting dealt with at this very moment. It's ultra-intense and totally worth it.  Any construct in your mind that was formed from conception to the moment before inhalation about ourselves, our surroundings, our relationships, our world, or ANY understanding of life as we have known it on a daily basis is instantly wiped away. Gone. Past, present and future lose all meaning.  Any concept of time is obliterated. Ego also. Completely gone, and this all happens before exhaling.  Then the ride begins. I bought the ticket and I'm so grateful I did. 

please call if you have questions, you've got my number.  I'm better at talking than typing.

And the ceremony......gives "freaking freely" an entirely new meaning.  You are allowed an entire universe of space to do so with no judgment whatsoever. Many of us, including myself, had tears in our eyes when the medicine came around and it was our turn, especially after watching the reactions of others. 

Thank you, judit. I wanted to relay this experience so that others might have a starting point for inquisition. Many, many people are hurt on a deep emotional level and live their entire lives in silence 

about it.  I was one of them. No more. 

Speaking of spaces, thank you for this space you and others created for this purpose. It has felt really good to talk about this. Thank you!!!!

Although, I am waiting patiently for Ras to ask if I've had any sudden urges to eat flies and crickets.since the ceremony :-)

Crickets are fine by me, they lull me to sleep. And, yes, the black screen is important to continue on. Thanks much for those efforts.

I do want to mention that mike E. has been a true older brother-from- another-mother to me since '10. Mike has helped me when I needed good, grounded advice and  a friendly ear to tug on. Plus a fantastic sense of humor, which makes me laugh often and is always appreciated.

My journey would not have been nearly as smooth without his friendship, thoughtful advice and caring words over these past 12 years.  Much Love and Thank you, Mike!!!

Defend The Sacred - (llocano Welcome Chant)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f69cR9k-DLE&list=OLAK5uy_n8zwGQeOuGykpdm...

a bufo medicine delivery vial with sand from the ceremonial area during my breakthrough to The Oneness from early Saturday morning..

Later that day, in a large Tipi I was allowed to help build, this vial was Blessed by the Michoacan Tribe from Mexico on The Road Of Life during a Peyote Ceremony Saturday night that ran deep into Sunday afternoon....66 souls filled this Tipi, sitting around the center Fire of Life, and in unity we tripped very, very  hard for 18 hrs while singing, praying for a deceased peyote brother with guitar, rattles, water drums and heartfelt expressions.  At some point, the fire turned into a beautiful deep Emerald green and stayed that way for eternity. Children were also given small amounts of  Chocoyte (Peyote in chocolate)  as the Flow cannot be broken in the ceremony.  Literally, Ages 7 through 77,and we did it together.

It was the most truly transformative weekend of my life..... a straight through, no sleep, 44 hrs of psychedelic and Native American Love...

>>>>I'm left with a question: What's next?

Facilitator training. This would allow me access to the medicine (network) and I would be able to serve the medicine to others. It's 14 straight days of using Bufo,  2 to 4 times daily, so that one can understand how the spirit of the medicine moves through you. Not everyone makes the two weeks, it runs about 50/50 for finishing. It's intense.  So I go in as Joe and emerge as Ziggy Stardust:-)There was a Rainbow Family brother serving as a facilitator Saturday.

Cancer patients and veterans comprise quite a few of the people looking for relief with this medicine. And they get it. 

As far as the tipi goes, everyone sat on their knees with legs folded or cross legged for 14 (not 18)  hrs.No room to stretch. The ceremony was almost triple its normal size due to the fact that the young man from the Lakota tribe who was responsible for cutting all of the cedar logs for the ceremony fires had died 10 days prior. This ceremony was the last ceremony he cut cedar for. He was 42 and married within the Lakota tribe. A swimming accident left him paralyzed from the neck down and he did not want to be on life support. 

In part due to that, the Peyote flowed very freely. 9pm comes the  "free-floating peyote", finely ground into a powder, we we're instructed to take 2 large scoops (a tablespoon's amount total) with the spoon provided, and drink from the tea cup passed along with it.  We dipped the cup into a bucket of Spring water from the creek behind the property. When you pass the water bucket, it is essential that the handle is placed down facing the fire.  The caveat with free-floating peyote was this: If you chose to dose higher, that's fine, but if you over dd it due to carelessness, you had to crawl from your position around the designated walkways to the front of the fire and purge in front of the Family. A bit of public shaming, but the Michoacans are stern about not wasting any sacrament. 

So 9pm two scoops, (from here on, I'm guessing at the timeline) 11 pm two scoops, 1am two scoops, 2 am, 1 large scoop handed out by the Chief of very fresh Mexican Peyote, which took the night to another level, 3 am was a large scoop of Chocoyte (large bowl of chocolate with loads of Peyote powder). 5 am, another large scoop of Chocoyte, 8am, another round of Mexican Peyote, which was optional due to those who needed to drive home later that day. I indulged....when in Rome. Lots and lots of beautiful singing and chanting.

Sam, the 77 yr old tribal elder (second pick from bottom facing away from camera) sat 4 people from me and ate heroic doses, sang and chanted all night and  full into the morning.  Just after the last dose of Mexican Peyote, we we're allowed "to Express ourselves" in which everyone, now dosed to the gills, can speak freely about anything they want to. Peyote takes your heart to full wide open, so there were many stories and tears from the Family for the young man who had passed, (his widow as in attendance all night).  It was absolutely beautiful to attend. 

At around 11am, 1 hr after leaving the tipi, lots of hugs, tears, laughter, there was a sweat lodge waiting to finish the ceremonial honoring of the young man. The sweat lodge was built by the Lakotas earlier in the week with willow and cedar branches. The opening was 3' tall, the sweat lodge was 4.5' tall and is considered the Mother's Womb in Native American mythology due to breathing water like we do in the womb. We were instructed to crawl in with our head held lower than our heart so that the heart goes in above all else. we packed 41 people in like sardines. I'm 6' and I was in the fetal position with all others in the fetal position around me. Sam came in and was 2 people away from me.  The fire tender places the first 5 or 6 red hot rocks in the middle, close the flaps on the sweat lodge and a bunch of water got dumped on the rocks. I started to panic, momentarily looked over at Sam who looked like the scene of serenity, and decided to shut my fear off and focus on my breath; worked like magic. 

4 songs at a time, then open a few flaps for air movement just long enough to put more rcks in, about 2 minutes, more red hot rocks loaded in, flaps close and more water on the rocks. It was intensely hot steam, but the drummer and singing kept my mind elsewhere. 16 songs total, 4 rounds of rocks. At the end, you crawl with head held high as you are "reborn".  Upon exiting, each person stands next to the one who exited just before, stands inline and shakes the hand of each person coming out with a "Good Morning, Thank You".  I was glad i was able to endure the sweat lodge because of the meaning it had for the young man's family. They were very grateful to everyone who attended.  The Peyote finally wore off around 11pm Sunday night.  I had a very glowing drive home Monday.

Mark, judit and Mike.....Thank you so very much for the kind words. And this very much feels like a door opened and a path forward has been presented to me.

As for the sitting, I wouldn't have been able to sit that long either, but massive quantities (Conehead pun intended) of Peyote made that exercise rather easy....lol.  I've never eaten anywhere near that much Peyote in my life and was unsure if I'd be able to hold it all down, but like I stated earlier, plenty of men and women well older than me were ingesting substantially more, so that's where my inspiration came from. And when you are floating with 65 other souls and the fire turns a brilliant glowing emerald green, sitting for long periods becomes effortless. The singing and chanting were equally important in helping sustain and ground one another. 

The power of the Michoacan and Lakota language for 14 hrs was transcendental. By the time the morning sun came up, all hearts were wide open and family healing was in full force. Besides the birth of my son, It was the most beautiful and powerful family event I've ever attended. The sweat lodge included.  The singing, chanting and drumming in that intense steam and dark was every bit as transformational. Especially with that much peyote in us.

I will be processing that week for a very long time, but, yes, this seems like a clear path forward for me. And, NO, I don't mind you saying so, Mike. That's exactly what this feels like.

I've always believed in the power of psychedelics to transform. I can still clearly remember the first lsd trip i had at 14. I peaked in 5th hr chemistry class and remember thinking how great the synchronicity was.  At that time, lsd saved my life, literally, by showing me that alternative realities DO exist, and this portal to escapism was what i needed.. It was life saving medicine administered when I needed it most. We became good friends fast, and I dove in head first into the world of psychedelics, reading everything i could get my hands on, pre-internet in the conservative Midwest.  Why are you checking out so many books on this topic?....lolol  

I have still to write about the three Bufo ceremonies from Thursday through Saturday morning  (I'd like to put Saturday's events into enough detail as to give a clear understanding of how this medicine works).  Saturday was the break through i was hoping for. The two days prior were unpleasant and left me seriously questioning if I had pushed this process too far. Thursday's ceremony was so unpleasant, at one point I was thinking about giving this pusuit up and driving back home, but I chose to go into Friday morning's ceremony with intent....to push through whatever it was that was holding me back from break through.

That didn't happen Friday, and while that experience left me with more hope than Thursday's ceremony, it also left me with more deep bothersome questions. But Saturday morning, just as the ceremony was beginning, I heard the first line of the prayer being read and I got the answer to the all of the questions I had been asking.  My intent became crystal clear. and an intense feeling of peacefulness washed over me completely, just minutes prior to going in with Bufo.  Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places, and sometimes you just need to trust and stay the course.

Thank you for the kind, loving words. I hope this journey is both informative and enjoyable for whomever chooses to come along.

I did not mention in all the detail that we were allowed 2 - 10 minute beaks to stretch (So it wasn't a straight through 14 hr kneeling exercise like I made it sound. But I still couldn't have done that without Peyote). 

And just before leaving the Tipi, with the humorous instructions from the Tribal leader:  No Santa Maria at break, please. (while mimicking doobie smoking motions)  Weed has its place in their culture, but they don't want you mixing sacraments..

>>>On a much less intense note, sometimes it's incredible how just a few unexpected words of wisdom can make things click a little easier. 

Well said!  Thanks, jazfish!   See you there in the circle someday, brother :-)

Sept. 24

Inhale for 15 to 20 seconds slowly, get the lungs as full as possible, hold it, hold it,  hold it, let go, let go, let go, eyes closed entire time. 

This was my first bufo ceremony, nervous, didn't know what to do other than keep open, but, long story short, I was shown the lineage of each of my parent's childhood upbringing and pain (in black and white), merging into mine, crystal clear, and at times in slow motion. The most notable aspect of the journey was the separation of emotion from the acts that were presented to me  -- which allowed for a completely objective view for the first time, which afforded me the benefit of seeing with new eyes the old events of my parents childhood and my childhood. By removing the emotional value I assigned to those events my entire life (this is bufo acting), there was an automatic and complete release of  attachment .........forgiveness, full, complete.  

 The entire time all of this was going on in front of "my eyes" , I was being bathed in tidal waves of the brightest, but softest white light washing over me, and over and over. I sat upright facing the sun the entire time. I consciously chose that, or bufo did, either way, it felt wonderful to be bathed in sunlight. It was at least 94 at the time and the sweat rolling down my neck felt like electric liquid. The connectivity with "all" almost instantaneously was extremely breathtaking ( literally, i was reminded to breathe during all 4 ceremonies, i would breathe on my own without any problem, until there were long pauses......your mind will connect with your body at certain points if someone speaks to you...."the strangest of places" type-thing).  Who knows?  But......That's one of the reasons you don't use this medicine by yourself. Just one. There's more.

When i laid down and opened my eyes some time ? later, the leaves dancing above me in the wind looked like green liquid waves slowly flowing back and forth, while slowly coalescing back into the normal construct i'm used to. It genuinely seemed magical.  Still processing all of them, but the black and white lineage show from this first ceremony was a beautiful, but also a powerfully emotional mind-blower for me.  It was a privilege to experience how easy it was to let go of normal constructs ( this daily life as we know it.....one's own life) and past attachments; very strong feelings of liberation and relief coming back into the normal surroundings.

***************************Before this all sounds too fluffy and unreal, please know that normal, everyday irritations and annoyances are always available to access daily,  just as normal. Like tailgaiting. Texans drive like Assholes. 80mph, 6ft off the bumper, men, women, children, the Family dog, auto-pilots. But Mellows don't get harshed as long or as intensely. Recovery time is much improved. That's been a nice benefit so far, and I hope it stays. The lessons of this medicine are so strong that it almost feels like a rewiring. Many people speak of this feeling. It's not a sugar coating, it feels like there's much that it leaves behind. 

12/31 and 1/1/23

Two ceremonies, back to back. I decided to use Kambo medicine this time to clean out and be able to go to a deeper space with less waste on board.  I had watched a young lady be administered Kambo back in the October ceremonies and it scared me a bit. She wretched violently and her face swelled up quickly. Kambo is the venom from the South American Giant Monkey Tree Frog.  There are 16 active biopeptides in Kambo. The medicine comes smeared and dried on small wooden paint stirrers.  The venom is rehydrated and scraped into small piles. An incense stick is lit and when there is a nice cherry on it, the practitioner quickly burns a spot on your skin, typically in the shoulder area, but other spots as well depending on any physical problems being experienced. The incense stick is applied long enough to cause permanent scarring, but a decent amount of skin needs to be removed for the medicine to be effective.

My guide burned 3 dots on the back of my right leg and then a small pile of venom is applied to the fresh burn marks. Within a few minutes, a wave of heat crept up from the medicine and to my head. Lots of heat , very strong nausea and profuse sweating at around 5 minutes. Another 5 minutes and I was running for the bathroom as I could feel that both ends were going to be busy. Kambo is purely a purgative, no psychedelic effects at all. another 15 minutes on the toilet and I wiped the medicine off the burn marks and within a few minutes of removal I started feeling more back to normal. Not sure I'll do this again. I got 3 burn marks, my fellow travelers each got 5 burn marks and fared substantially worse. As much as I did not appreciate this  medicine, this was followed up by an alvarius ceremoiny approx 90 minutes after Kambo, and at that ceremony I was given a higher than avg dose, purposely, I asked for it.  It was so very intense that I  had 3 bleeding toenails which I almost ripped from the nail bed due to digging my toes into the soil so hard....with absolutely no memory of this at all. My bowels emptied out due to an intense feeling of relief, love and peacefulness when I reassembled,  but thanks to Kambo, there wasn't anything left to empty out.  Just so happened to be great timing  The medicine calls.

Thanks for the kind words, Mark and judit. 

>>>>joe, your interest and follow through are like from someone who is saving his life. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

you're spot on, judit.  Sunday was my eighth bufo ceremony and by far the most intense. I've had tremendous success with giving complete forgiveness to others and myself for what is truly the first time in my life. No more resentment, anger or feelings of sorrow.  I'm finally at the point in my journey where my depression has taken a nice long walk somewhere, and I hope it gets lost :-)  I'm trying for the first time to do what I need to do for self Improvement. One thing I've learned with complete certainty is this:  We are each far stronger than what we may believe. Far stronger.

I asked for a 90mg dose on 1/1, staying just shy of the 100mg mark.  Doses higher than 70mg will cause virtually anyone to have zero memory of what is coming, however this allows for the deepest, most repressed pain to surface and be dealt with by the person "going in". There just aren't any barriers left.  At doses above 70 mg, the ego and any other form of protection the mind has in its arsenal of survival (protection) is instantaneously and completely removed. Literally in under a few seconds. Lower doses just don't do it.  As my guide heated the vial and the smoke was rolling and I was inhaling, he looked me in my eyes and told me how proud he was of me for doing the hard work and that I was deeply loved by all, and then.......I came to, face down on the ground, hugging Mother Earth with nothing but a flood of love and gratitude, digging my fingers slowly into the sand, with the most utter and complete sense of relief and peacefulness I've ever experienced in my life here. 

I normally do not ask the guides what I look like during any of these journeys, but when I came to, the blanket and pillow were gone and I was on the opposite side of the ceremony area from where I started. I've watched several people be "active" which is the term used for when the body acts out the pain, but I had not experienced this until now.   Normally, I'm so soft spoken that if someone is 6ft away, they need to lean in to hear me.  Not this time.  Apparently,  I screamed at the top of my lungs for around 15 minutes. Rolling around on the ground screaming, sitting up straight on my knees with arms outreached and head back screaming, on all fours like a jaguar (i was told) screaming.  Non-stop, vein-popping screaming. Screams from the depths (I was told).  All 3 guides worked to keep me from rolling, crawling, moving into the fire that was present.  I have absolutely zero memory of any of this.  

This ceremony followed a Peyote ceremony which was ending as we were starting.  Typically, after a Peyote ceremony, most people hang around the grounds for several hours in order to come down enough to safely drive home, so a handful were present for the bufo ceremony, however, these folks were relaxing on the back porch of the house which is approx. 160 yards away from the bufo ceremony area, and my screaming is what made them concerned and then saddened when they realized what was going on.......at 160 yds away. When I walked back to the house about an hour after my session, there were six people from Peyote ceremony who were on the porch, men and women.  As I got closer, I noticed them lined up and looking at me, I smiled a tired smile as I approached. Sand and mud all over my clothes, face and hair.  Regardless,  when I got up on the porch, each person took their turn and gave me the biggest, long, heartfelt , chest to chest embrace, and each person looked me in my eyes and said, "We love you, Brother.". and that's all that needed to be said. Lots of tears. Tears of relief and joy.  The people who come here are so profoundly human and loving. No judgment whatsoever. Just Love and Support.

Bufo medicine is beyond magical.  Beyond the complete erasure of ego and time, It always protects you in the deepest sense possible..  For myself and everyone I've had the pleasure of being in ceremony with, we all say the same thing:  this medicine completely separates the emotions from the traumatic event(s) in a persons life so that the emotional value tied to the trauma can be seen for what it is......just an emotion......and when that understanding of that truth becomes internalized, which it does, then true personal healing can begin.  And There's no reliving of the traumatic event(s).  Only the emotion(s) tied to it. A rape victim doesn't have to relive the rape. A veteran doesn't have to relive the moment he/she pulled the trigger for the first time or relive watching the person they shot die.  A person who was attacked during a robbery doesn't have to relive the attack.  The repressed pain that was caused by the event is what Bufo forces you to confront and then turns those traumatic emotions into the most beautiful feelings of love and and profound peacefulness.  Nothing else. It is not a cruel master.  Quite the opposite. It wants nothing more than to show us the love that exists on a permanent, cosmic level and for us to understand that this is where we came from and this is who we really are.  Let everything else go.  But there's work to be done to get there.

Potentially, facilitator training in a few weeks or so..  I hope to be able to help others receive the gifts I've received with Bufo. That's the goal.

 Sunday I sat in with an Indian gentleman who brought his college aged daughter. They both took the medicine.  An incredibly amazing, True medicine man from New Mexico whom I owe a large debt of gratitude. An Iraq veteran just a couple of years younger than me, and a gentleman from Alabama who lost his father to suicide when he was 15, and has lived with crushing guilt until his second Bufo ceremony on Sunday. Many women attending the ceremonies are victims of sexual abuse / rape.  And in general, there are always one or two souls whom we each connect with during a ceremony, and those folks are friends for life. All of these people watched me Sunday and I watched them. Nothing is hidden from the medicine. Group ceremonies are HIGHLY, DEEPLY emotional.  You're going to experience one another's pain and rebirth.

Once you've witnessed one another with the Medicine, it's virtually impossible to see someone any other way. My microdose experience earlier that week was the most beautiful experience I have ever witnessed with eyes open.  As much as I have tried to explain this experience,  my words are limited and all i really accomplish is nothing more than boxing this medicine in with my words.  I have been given so much advice and valuable wisdom during my time with the medicine, but one thing that stands out more than ever is what a Mexica (Muh-she-kuh) gentleman from the Peyote ceremony told me: There are things in this lifetime that require no words or explanation because words simply serve to fail the experience.  Like grasping water tighter. Just know that the unexplainable exists and always keep that knowledge close to your heart..  - Rudi

Thanks, jaz. Not sure about the wordsmith skills. Maybe just chatty. One of the main instructions I was given after the first ceremony was, "Check your enthusiasm."...... which I'm still working on....lol. And no hallucinations with this miracle gift.  It simply and completely removes the ego and any sense of time and allows you to exist as the original Source, Light,  and with that Light comes an intense feeling of Love. There's nothing to see and very little or Nothing to be heard. True Nonduality. A Oneness with All. It is a  "Source" experience and it's over quickly, but nothing else is anywhere near as profound and life-altering as this.  And there is nothing else known in existence that reliably produces Source experience, or Nonduality,  like 5-Meo.  It's not for everyone. In fact, I'd never recommend this flat-out unless someone was trying to overcome deep trauma.. It's just too strong. .  And while it has saved many lives there was a gentleman about a year prior to my ceremonies who committed suicide a couple of weeks after his ceremonies because it removed his fear of death, and it removes the fear of death from most everyone who has a ceremony or three with this. 

Bufo has given me what I have asked for (ceremonial intent).  It took 8 ceremonies and all were incremental on my journey,  but the last two were the most unexpected, the most unpleasant, yet the most productive. The deep, deep seated screaming that happened on Saturday I did not see coming, so the next day I asked for a higher dose to deal with what was left, and there was quite a bit left, from what I was told.  The vast majority of people who seek out this medicine approach it one time and then never again. It strongly feels like you're being shown something far ahead of your time, but that it is every bit as real as the Sun, yey reliably mimicking the feeling of dying and being reborn.  It can be highly unnerving to completely ego-die within three seconds, and if there has never been an introduction to the overwhelming feeling experienced during the peak of a psychedelic experience,  then this experience will assuredly be highly profound, and I also mean that in the traumatic sense, the profoundly bad trip sense, profoundly bad.. Some people just aren't ready for this level of shock, the Nondual experience, and those are usually the people with no problems who are simply wanting to experience the high. There is no "high" with this.  Trauma victims who have received no help, or most likely, seriously inadequate help, die many times over throughout their lives; my initial ego death with Bufo was so comforting and overwhelmingly beautiful that I didn't want to leave it, and that was the first indicator of how much work I had to do.    

^^and thank you, Mike.

Thanks, judit and Mark :-).  Most likely, Mark, this would help him, but most likely it will be a rough road to get there. Deep seated anger is often the result of unresolved pain. It depends on how much he is willing to go through those emotions from beginning to now, because that's the process. However, it helped me immensely.

There's so much to the journey once you inhale., but after, and only after Bufo showed me the dark that needed to be converted and forced me to deal with whatever hell I needed to deal with was I presented with a sole feeling of being One, almost like a "keep your eyes on the prize" reward.  Getting there was the hardest work I barely remember.  The ceremonies are highly draining on an emotional and physical level. Far beyond what i expected,  but I left each ceremony with an undeniably complete sense that this is the ultimate knowledge concerning what we are.....what everything is.....everything that ever will be, and  everything that ever has been, all of which never had a beginning.  Love and All of Existence in Past, Present and Future exist together as light in the moment of now, and All is One ( Nonduality).  And this is where and when the healing happened for me. 

He may want to look into MDMA therapy which is supposedly a softer handling than 5-Meo dmt (No personal experience with MDMA).  From what I've read from Ann Shulgin's notes on her use of MDMA in therapy, MDMA seperates the traumatic event from the emotion, similar to 5-Meo dmt, but without the ontological shock of rapid and complete ego death, more of a warmly embraced feeling while navigating the memories and emotions.  I've never tried MDMA in any form or for therapy, but Cali is littered with MDMA clinics, and there's so much evidence that MDMA works very well for many who seek it.  As far as 5-Meo dmt, the very best book your friend, or anyone else should read, imho, before any ceremonies is  Entheogenic Liberation: Unraveling the Enigma of Nonduality with 5-Meo DMT Energetic Therapy., Martin Ball, Ph.D. It's a well written book concerning the 5-Meo dmt experience, but much more so concerning the human mind and the ego. Highly recommended.  He's completely down to earth in his writing style.  Not at all a self-help book. but should be at the top of that list annually. 

It can go bad. Make no mistake about it. People with a personal or family history of  bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, manic depressive disorder are advised to not pursue these avenues. I was taking a chance on my depression getting better and not worse with 5-Meo. Could've gone the wrong way. He needs to educate himself, speak with others and then make his own decision. You have my number, if he wants to speak directly, I like being of help where i can and he's free to call me. You as well, Mark :-)

My last few ceremonies were with a Marine Iraq veteran, a few years younger than me. His breakthrough came in the form of 7g of boomers. He wasn't a regular psychedelic user, and that made a huge difference. He claims he had 2 loaded 45's and a loaded 12 gauge shotgun in the cab of his truck ever since he returned home from Iraq. Deep, hot anger that was extinguished with 7g of psilocybin. He removed all of his hate stickers from his truck the next day.  A few months later he found 5-Meo an hour from his house. Different guy. I can't imagine him angry, but psilocybin was his medicine savior.  Psychedelics can unquestionably heal!!!!!   And I'm quickly becoming a big fan of the mantra "When you are ready, the medicine finds you".  Love that one.

You're welcome and thank you as well, Mike.  Glad you're feeling better. :)

TY and you're welcome, gunkman. :)

Went down to  southeast texas this weekend, 9 hr drive each way, and so worth it.  This weekend concluded a two week facilitator training session - 14 days of bufo, two to three full dose ceremonies each day for 14 days. The goal is to form a personal relationship with the medicine since it acts uniquely for each person.and to understand fully the purpose behind setting an intention for healing before the ceremony, how to handle any "freakout"  (situation, with CPR training included) and just a lot of fun.  5 people "graduated" on Saturday and what better way to celebrate 14 days of Bufo than with a 15th day of Bufo....lol...seriously. 5 beautiful people who are now uniquely qualified to serve bufo medicine wherever and whenever.  One couple in training came from Mt. Shasta, Cali, trained for two weeks in texas and will be going back to Mt Shasta in a couple of months to bring the medicine to that area.

Sat with a lovely lady from Puerto Rico who was a childhood rape victim and her sister in law who came for support ended up participating in her own ceremony.  Both women had full breakthroughs at full dose. The lady from PR who was victimized in her childhood danced with her deceased mother and had a incredible conversation of forgiveness with her. When she was coming back to this plane  her sister in law came over, sat next to her and hugged her tightly and she let loose with the final release of deep, loud sobbing.  When she was done, the look on her face, her eyes was one of complete peacefulness and serenity. Her eyes and face were just beaming. It's so beautiful and so powerful when two people who love one another participate in ceremony together. Nothing else like it. Nothing.

I sat with a lady in her 50's whom we shared our first ceremonies together last year. These are tight bonds. We help each other to completely bare our souls and give all our pain to the ceremony fire in front of each other. It was so nice to see her. Recovering from a heroin and meth addiction last year (all due to childhood abuse) she has turned her life around and now has such big, bright, beautiful eyes ...ful,of life.....  the difference is just amazing.  One other gentleman who had intestinal cancer last year and was at the peyote ceremony last October, showed up with his two young sons and we talked for quite a bit. He's doing well, done with treatments, his hair has grown back nice and long, and he's now training with the Lakota tribe to be a fire tender for the peyote ceremonies. He participated in this ceremony and kept the fire tended so well. The fire is very, very important. 

All ceremonies start with a Copal cleanse, after which loose tobacco is placed in your left hand, hold it next to your heart and set your intention for the ceremony.  The tobacco is placed n the fire to send your intentions out to the universe, then we speak Native American based prayers honoring each of the four winds, mother earth and father sun.  All people attending had good previous exposure to Bufo, except for two. We each had two full dose ceremonies, a bit of time in between with about 3 small to med. doses in the "n between" part.  Went from 11am to ?...lol.  First dose was 75 mg, second dose (for a few of us) was 125mg. Didn't know the second was going to be that big. No need to know if you just came out of a 75 mg experience. The second one took me so deep inside with such a complete and long loss of time, identity,everything. It was absolutely beautiful.  No breath lock up anymore for me. That was refreshing :). I 've written enough about the overall experiences. Probably too much. Ali can say is that complete and utter ego dissolution, existing in complete timelessness, and fully experiencing and "seeing" my inner divinity has pretty much saved my life from never ending unhappiness, which mostly came from the endless, endless cacophony of chatter in what was my horribly restless mind from all the bad life experiences stacked one upon the other.  Bufo reversed all of that. I don't know the exact mechanism, And I Don't Care, Let There Be Songs To Fill The Air :))))

There's some things that simply work exceptionally well in this life, and instead of trying to completely dissect the experience, it feels right to  just accept the gifts provided from the beautiful mystery of  this Existence with a Thankful and Grateful heart. Love to all.   

getting the ceremony area prepped

Thanks for that, Mark  I really appreciate it. 

The first time I smoked dmt was about a year and a half ago and it was terrifying at first, but that quickly subsided into a stunningly beautiful flow. And to have the veil instantly ripped away and to see the underlying energy of the universe that constantly surrounds us was incredibly beautiful!  And it's just colorful and fun. That got me interested in 5- meo dmt.  But these two are as different as day and night. No comparison except for the speed of impact, which is instantaneous.

Bufo is all about white light, the Void, and immediate egoic death............get that useless fucking thing out of the way and lets shine a light on the blackness. Lets deal with each layer of blackness, one by one. And it does. You cannot escape that spirit once you've taken it in. It's a hydrogen bomb of white light in which nothing can hide. Nothing. All pain will surface. All of it. Everything from your earliest memories onward. One by One.  I am so at peace right now. I finally dealt with the worst of my inner child this weekend, the one who wanted to exact vengance on my abusers at any cost, including my own well being and the well being of those who tried to show me Love, but I rejected because I always wanted to keep people at arms length. No one was ever allowed "in" to hurt me ever again. That's how i lived most of my life.  Just a fucking miserable human being, daily, just going through the routine.  I didn't want to die not feeling whole. 

Thanks for the back story, Mark, and no one can be blamed for not being ready for the impact.  N'N can induce trauma if not administered properly. I would've been intimidated to go back to it too, after an experience like that. 

But Bufo ( 5-meo dmt and bufotenine) is insanely different and is no joke. It will absolutely INDUCE trauma if taken out of context. There is simply no way to accurately describe the effects, but set and setting and trained facillitators are of the utmost of importance. And to share this medicine with anyone not trained in it's use (gifting) is considered an immoral act within the community. You'd basically be handing someone a hydrogen bomb for their brain.  And Bufo locks up more people from breathing than any other medicine. Strictly due to the immediate psychic shock.  Facilitators trained in Bufo shock and Red Cross cpr are as necessary as oxygen....NOT KIDDING AT ALL .  Three people quit breathing at this past ceremony.  Each one from psychic shock, but well trained facilitators got each person breathing again, without cpr.  I have completely quit breathing on a few of my twelve ceremonies. I have the deepest trust for my brothers and sisters watching over me every time, and they've got me going again, each time, without cpr.  You have to trust and accept before partaking. 

Most youtube vids you can pull up on Bufo ceremonies are low dose (10 to 30mg).   The person lies there serenely and peacefully dwelling in a beautiful, bath of white light or in the Void. Either ia a truly magical place to be...seriously. Low dose Bufo is indescribably beautiful, but also, intense. Just not celestial intense. The problem is that most ceremonies posted don't show what happens at ritual level doses. But this documentary does:>>>  Shamans of the Global Village: Octavio Rettigg and the Sonoran Desert Toad  (Amazon Prime).<<<<.   There is a ten minute, well- uncensored,  high-dose ceremony scene filmed on Tiburon Island in Comaac nation close to the end of the doc that anyone wanting to try Bufo should absolutely watch ( faciilitattors do NOT pour water onto someones face while in Bufo like this guy did)   Every one reacts differently.   It shows the "down and dirty", and anyone who wants to partake in a Bufo ceremony needs to see it to be as educated as possible.. Bufo leaves a person 100% vulnerable. Immediate egoic death, dissolution into the void, No vision, no hearing,  all 3 to 5 seconds after full inhalation. But the psychic healing from it is like nothing else. Have no idea how, but it works phenomenally well. . it's been a difficult,but amazing 14 month journey.

Thanks again for the comments, Mark.  Peace to you, too. ))

Trailer  -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-QtwCGVGMI

In summary....lol

Dr. Noodler's Thanksgiving post  > >  then some tv documentaries  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Much Love to All....... Thanks for sharing the ride :)

Thanks, judit!!!! That's beautiful!!!