Grandmother Ayahuasca + Yopo

as usual, short term memory strikes again...lol. I forgot 2 important things:

1. I had to quit all cannabis smoking and edibles for 2 weeks. If you come in heavy, the receptors are somewhat, not completly, but somewhat blocked, so the xplerience may only last around an hour and it's quite boring from what i hear.  The first few nights i had restless sleep bc I usually eat gummies and smoke.  I will say my chest and throat feel better than they have in a long time, so I may lay low for a while.  And I had to go on what's called  a "low tyramine" diet for one week. Tyramine is an amino acid in many foods, so the diet is strict, but in elevated levels in your blood, if you ave borderline high blood pressure, the ayahuasca can spike blood pressure and that's never good. 

2. Icaros and Music........with Bufo, you instantly go blind, deaf and numb until you "come back in". When coming back in, the music selection is very powerful and imprintable, so ti's essential at that point that the music and lyrics, if any, are loving and positive. With aya, you can see, hear and feel, but because the medicine takes you to the deepest realms (of who knows where) any negativity in the music will easily guide you into your own personal hell.  Positive music, lyrics especially and the upbeat tone and tempo are essential to stay "in the Light" so to speak.

The Maestro's Icaros that he sings in between certain songs are meant to guide the participants in a positive direction through the realms you're navigating. Each  Icaro is different and the Maestro only sings what comes to him in the realms he is navigating for the particiapants.  His words are very, very powerful to the minds of those in their own journey. This mans Icaros saved the night on Sunday. He sang for a decent amount of time at the very beginning of the ceremony Sunday night and it made our journeys stunningly positive and beautiful.   A true magician and Master of Ceremony. Btw, and it's no coincidence,  Native American chants, rattles and songs are extremely powerful on the mind when in that state, and all music from early in the journey to close to the ceremony end reverberates like nothing I've ever experienced before. Notes bounce and vibrate endlessly in your visions. Music is exceptionally powerful and helpful when applied properly in these ceremonies. 

I just noticed from left to right is a decreasing amount of hair.....lol.  Thanks, judit and Mark for your interest and kindness.   As more thoughts come to mind, i'll post a bit more

The old dude, judit....lol.  I'm in white; the magician next to me in the Shipibo clothing is beyond amazing, and pretty much saved my life.

When I came back for Sunday night's ceremony , the first thing he told me was, "you scared the shit out of me last night, brother"  ...lol,  I told him i've died 14 times with Bufo and learned how to completely surrender to the flow of the experience. He quipped, You Bufo people! It's ok to hang out at the fire, just next time, please remember to breathe..  We had a very good laugh over that.  I was in a state of Nirvana that I've never experienced before when i arrived at that beautiful fire. This combination of earth medicines took me so far beyond anything i could've possibly imagined to exist. 

We each were given a Mapocho cigarette. We went outside, lit the cigarette and  slowly blew the smoke 3 times over each arm, 3 times over our torso, and 3 times into a hand, sweeping the smoke over or head.  This is Shipibo tradition to cleanse and protect the traveler. We go back inside, he opens the ceremony with a prayer and thanks to the Grandmother ( he is holding the bottle of ayahuasca while doing this) and blows his breath of Life into the bottle 3 times strongly. The aya spirit tells him how much to pour for each person, and you are handed your portion in a cup...around 30 ml.  It is at that point that you place your intentions into the cup by holding it at your 3rd eye area, or you can blow your breath of Life into it 3 times. Either way. Intentions are critical for a purposeful journey. 

Very bitter  and so concentrated that we needed to rinse the cup three times with water to get it all out. Then lie down. comfortable mat, pillow and a warm blanket, water, roll of toilet paper and a purge bucket by your side.  Aya gives a cold sensation for a good part of the journey. Completely dark room, with the exception of a single candle in the back of the room. It starts in slow. The stomach feels it quickly. LOADED with alkaloids and is exceptionally bitter. There's an urge to purge shortly after, but you need to keep it down for a bit before throwing up. None of us purged until the second cup came around 2 hrs into it. 

The energy of aya and yopo slowly coursed down my arms, starting at the shoulders, then to the elbows and then to each finger, down each leg, to the knees and then down to each toe. When that is complete, there is the most intense, fractalized, diamond faceted river ( The Amazon, we are told...by the medicine) that appears, flowing at an incredible, but visible pace. It's a bit unnerving at first, but that space is the point of first surrender, and it has to happen, if you try to fight it, your going into a hell space quickly and there's no way out...literally. So just relax, breathe and let go. This, like Bufo, is ALL about completely letting go of control ( the ego ) and letting the river take you to where it needs you to go. It's scary at first. You are losing complete control over any reality you knew of, and you're rapidly heading into the unknown. ( maybe 20 minutes, shortly after the administration of the Yopo snuff). 

There is an immediate feeling of antiquity in this space. A  pure sense that.It has existed forever and will always exist.  What happened after this, i  simply can't explain. So i won't. My feeling is that the flowing river takes us each back in time to our birth and then far, far back beyond that to our ancestors...and I mean ancestors, like from tens of thousands of years ago. It is 100% Spirit realm. I am a believer now. it was just too real and distinct. These aren't hallucinations. These spaces are real.  As real as the fingers on our hands.  To call these medicines psychedelic is a complete disservice. LSD is candy compared to this combination.  Also, we are in this for a full 4hrs and then another hour to slowly come back in to this realm. I still simply can't forget the details of Saturday night's ceremony,and I never will. It's permanently imprinted: my own darkness and the pain i caused throughout my life, my multiple deaths with my ancestors pain, the fire and the ring of white light, the COMPLETE feeling of Love and Acceptance patiently waiting for me from the entities that comprised that ring.  Breathing again. 

After he got me breathing again, the rest of the night was Love and Light from the Grandmother. I was so physically exhausted and was lying in a tidy pool of snot and tears and smiling. Tears of profound joy and through the understanding for the first time in my life that this realm is not at all the end, but just a stop gap. Our ancestors, to me, exist in other dimensions that are fully accessible through these medicines. The indigenous tribes of the Amazon have known this reality for... .....???????????    Sunday, though, i was rewarded for my efforts and pure healing intentions, recognized by Grandmother aya, that she allowed me access to my Spirit Guide for the first time. And I knew Instantly who he was when he appeared. Stunningly beautiful Native American who beamed with pride at me and spoke to me while dancing around me in circles.. UNREAL!!!! Never forget it.!!!!

At 22, i wanted to get tattoos on my back when I moved to Rockford in '87.  I have always been fascinated since very young with Native Americans, their beliefs and imagery and there was never a rhyme or reason why. And i mean fascinated. I would have dreams on and off through out that year and if I saw imagery that i liked, i would try to find that image in a book and then take that image to the tattoo artist (Goldies Tattoo on Broadway, not far from the Grand Hotel, if Frank3 is reading) and place it where i wanted it. Over the course of 18 months, i had a collage on half of my back, and it was not necessarily something i ever fully understood, but i liked it.  I get it now. 35 years later.   My mind is officially blown. Many, many dots have been connected through those ceremonies. 

I just signed up for 3 more ceremonies in March. My teacher's teacher from Pulcallpa Peru is visiting the US for the first time in his life; an 8th generation Shipibo Maestro who will be here for two weeks and will be running 10 ceremonies in 14 days. I am extremely blessed to be able to sit with and be served by him in the final 3 of those ceremonies, also with my teacher. I am thrilled at the prospect of just meeting this Light Being from Peru, much less being served aya by him. The opportunity of a lifetime.

I

LOL....2nd from left

this is my healer(left) with his teacher, Maestro Gaspar, in Pulcallpa Peru, 8th Generation Shipibo who will be running 10 ceremonies in 14 days here in March.

Lol.. judit.. Thank you so much....much Love.   I was beaming from the inside -out, we all were, like never before. Above is my new healthcare practitioner. Out-of-network, so to speak, but Exceptionally affordable, loving, caring and superbly trained in healing Humans. :))))  I'm not looking back. 

these are decently close to some of the imagery, but they were much more fractaled and continuously flowing...The Flowing River was the main theme throughout all three nights.

and this Lakota Souix elder is pretty close to my Spirit Guide, if he had a bright red Mohawk with black tips and copper arm and wrist bands...and much happier looking at the time...lol. Those beautiful, full, huge cheek bones

Ceremonies 4, 5 & 6  .......... March 8th, 9th, 10th 

 - all three were evening ceremonies, start around 7pm, end around 2:30am, and led by the gentlemen pictured above. Two guys from Ohio, one lady from Juarez, Mexico, an Iranian gentleman, Palestinian descent, from Los Angeles, myself ,and a total of five more men and women from various parts of Texas. Gaspar is an 8th generation Shipibo Conibo shaman.  He is 52 with coal black hair, and not one strand is gray.  He is clear, but soft voiced with a phenomenal sense of humor, relating several funny stories from his own ayahuasca ceremonies, especially ones that were a bit too "high dosed", even for him,  although he is completely serious when dispensing instructions for the ceremony. This is his first visit to the US.  He has lived in his Peruvian village his entire life. He was introduced to ayahuasca ceremonies by his parents and uncles at the age of 14.  He speaks no English.  A woman from Juarez, Mexico, who was in attendance, was the translator for all three ceremonies.  We were all instructed to diet for two weeks prior to the ceremony. No red meat, pork, salt, pepper, seasonings, no oils, no alcohol, no sex, no drugs, including weed, and absolutely no ssri's or antidepressants of any kind.  

-- March 8th --

We gather around 6pm, greet and get to know one another. One gentleman has cancer.  All of us are dealing with trauma, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, one man survived being shot from ten feet away with a shotgun and survived. Stories of pain and survival. No curiosity seekers tonight.  Hugs and smiles. The ceremony starts around 7pm. Some of us are first timers, most are multiple timers. With the exception of our teacher, Mark, no one in attendance has ever sat with a Peruvian Shaman.

Gaspar prays for a full hour by himself before we start. This is for the protection of all attendees, for respect to the medicine, for all people on Earth, Mother Earth, Father Sun, the Four Directions, etc. ....an entire hour!!  He enters the room and, through a translator,  takes about 15 minutes to explain how he and Mark, our normal teacher, will lead the ceremonies, meaning that he has a specific theme and direction he intends for each night's ceremony. Tonight's ceremonial theme is to introduce ourselves to the spirit animals, and learn how to concentrate on our visions. However, if we get into a difficult spot, reach out by voice and they will come over to help.  They drink two to three times the amount we do to enter the realms we will be existing in, in order to guide us and manage the energies that will present themselves. He explains the 3 entities that will at sometime present themselves throughout the three nights, the Jaguar, he Anaconda and the Eagle. He instructs us that once the visions start, it is imperative to surrender, scan, concentrate and enter without fear. Each ceremony will be different, no two are ever the same. He wasn't kidding. 

The ayahuasca for all three nights was brewed by Gaspar in Peru, in the Amazonian jungle.  He brought 3 - one liter bottles. Each one for each night successively more concentrated ( more water boiled off). Pure ancient Magic.  Gaspar says a long prayer in Spanish into the aya bottle. When done, Mark pours the aya brew into each 2 oz plastic solo cup, the aya tells him how much each person gets. For most , the dark brown semi-viscous brew was filled to about 3/4 full per cup. In layman's terms, a shitload. We each look at one another and nervously giggle. We are instructed to wait until all the aya is dispensed, and to then pray over our aya mix, placing our intentions into the aya.

Upon instruction, we down the drink at the same time. Very bitter; wash it down with a bit of water.   All participants lie down on mats on the floor. We cover up with blankets with our head on a pillow.  Beside each of us is an individual vomit bucket. Some people are on their sides, some on their back. I was on my back in corpse position. Lights out. The room goes completely dark.  Complete silence.  Within ? minutes (maybe 20 , I'm guessing) a brilliant , rotating fractalled light appears off in the distance. It radiates like the sun and steadily grows larger, and slowly and steadily closes in. A strong sensation of weight (body load) starts at the feet, creeping up the legs, the abdomen, the arms, the chest, the neck and then enveloping the head, full body load.  Only one person purges..........the visions start. 

(Eyes closed the entire night). For me, brilliantly colored, fractalled Aztec imagery on green iridescent mountains swirl like water flowing down a wide open drain and disappear into the Earth, only to immediately swirl back up in the opposite direction and fully regrow into a completely different appearance, then drain, then reappear.....death - rebirth imagery, growing larger and swirling steadily faster and faster. Focus. The experienced travelers start focusing on our breath work as we know that leaving our bodies is coming up. The intensity of the medicine can't be stopped and it's clear what's coming..  Breath work  The deep exhales start at this point and are somewhat audible.. The imagery is almost overwhelming,  and the peak is well over three hours away.  Doesn't matter; already in a place of complete timelessness. No sense of direction or time. Lovely, to be honest. A bit intimidating, but fantastical beyond belief. 

Mark starts singing his Icaros, as his imagery is also starting. The Icaros are intended to guide us into  the realms of Light and to not let the Black energies come in.  I am out of body and completely lost in the fractal storm that is presenting itself. Nothing scary yet, just have no idea what to do other than surrender to the flow and observe. It is incredibly comforting to hear a human voice. His words stretch and reverberate all over the room.  In and out of my body;  visions start to slow to a more manageable pace. 

Within eons, the original imagery slowly fades and new imagery starts to appear. Mark has finished his Icaros, the room is in complete silence, with the exception of audible breath work. Mine included. 

Sometime after infinity, Gaspar starts singing his Icaros. These are Icaros handed down from 8 generations of Shipibo elders from within the Amazon rain forest. . His voice is higher pitched than Mark's voice, and at a slightly faster cadence. All Spanish words, but not Spanish language. I don't know how to describe it other than that. 

Slowly, a brilliant, raging fractalled diamond river appears and completely fills the background. Out of the river, the Anaconda slowly appears. The very first animal spirit i have ever seen. Head emerging and coalescing first. It doesn't induce any fear, as it slowly, slowly  grows and slithers out of the river. Green as the jungle leaves and beautifully iridescent.  We were told that if we see the Anaconda that it would face us and consume us. We were told to not fear it, to let it consume us, as it is really consuming any and all dark energies in order to remove them from us. But my Anaconda came up from my feet and consumed me. My eyes became its eyes, and i was asked, "Would you like to see the jungle as i see it?"  I responded with a very enthusiastic , Yes!  

We immediately glided from the jungle floor up an Ayahuasca vine, feeling the leaves on my skin, twirling around and up the vine many feet upwards. We glided the Amazon tree tops, looking in all directions at once as we moved from tree top to tree top. Without any notice, we lifted off the tree tops and glided through the sky, looking down at all of creation, all the beauty, pain and sorrow, all of the plant and animal life, all separate and distinct, yet spiritually, all as one. At some point. whatever was me at that point dissolved completely into infinity and Oneness with all of existence was experienced.  Much different than the Bufo experiences in which Oneness happens in seconds.  This was manageable and intensely peaceful and beautiful.   Almost the entire time, Gaspar is singing. 

I have to laugh at this point because my story ends here. What i thought took minutes was 5 hours. Gaspar sang for 4 hours, with one break of silence. As the aya wore off, I came back into this realm, and  the jungle visions slowly started to fade. Pure silence.  Minds blown to absolute maximum capacity. All of a sudden, Aya music starts from a speaker in the room, with notes bouncing in all directions and fading in and out of my body and blown mind.   This goes on for approx. another half hour to hour as we all slowly fade back in to ourselves. It is now 1:30am in linear time. The music goes off, it's still dark, silence for another 10 minutes, maybe, and soon we are asked if we are all ok to talk about our experiences. Everyone slowly responds with a soft voiced, "Yes".

We sit up, and one by one we are asked to relate our experiences to Gaspar. Anna translates, and Gaspar kindly describes what we each went through. Cut up watermelon and pineapple are passed around.  Story relating and explanations take around 90 minutes.  Stunned Silence from all as each relates their vision story.  Words don't come easily as we have just been transported and carried into and through magical realms that seem as real as the one we are typically stuck in. We are told before leaving that the medicine stays with us for at least 48 hrs, and when we ingest more within 24 hrs of an initial dose, the medicine will come on quicker and substantially stronger, even if it was the same strength as the night before.  More silence as we're trying to comprehend this. It is soon past 3 am. 

Warm embraces, laughter and tears as we prepare to leave the house and try to imagine that tomorrow night we will be served stronger medicine, resulting in visiting deeper realms.  It's almost incomprehensible that we can drive at this point, but we can. A bit tired and bleary as we head back to our hotel rooms, but not high.  Sleep was easy for most of us, just not long lasting as visions gently reappear in dreams. 

Invocation  -  Priya Deepika    >>(*the first song played as we were collectively coming back into ourselves. This bounced in and out of our bodies and minds. Imprinted heavily. Enjoy)  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0DwYTf3PCE

Thank you, judit, for helping to create and maintain a space to allow me to do so. Much appreciated.

Thanks, jaz. Being in the company of fellow travelers seeking healing on a truly deep, personal and spiritual level helps more than you can imagine. And, No, this isn't about getting high. For those who don't prepare properly, there can be serious, long lasting mental / emotional consequences.

These last three ceremonies were attended mostly by people seeking and prepared for very deep experiences. Three people who were scheduled for all three nights didn't come back after the first night due to the extreme intensity. When a Peruvian Shaman shows up to conduct a ceremony, the kid gloves come off.  Dying and being reborn over and over isn't exactly everyone's cup of tea. There is a certain level of mental and physical preparation that they respectfully ask of us. The preparation is for our own emotional and physical well being.  Those who disregard the requests will quickly regret that they did, usually within the first hour.  To put it in terms most of us can relate to, each of the three nights would be the equivalent of eating a 50 strip and condensing the experience down to 5 hrs. 

Not a party experience ......at all.  

-- March 9th --

I've started this review a few times and quit.  It's difficult to not be emotional. This night and the next night changed my mind and heart about what exists around us that is measurable by the scientific method. Permanently.  Gaspar has conducted thousands of ceremonies since being inducted at the age of 14 by his elders, and he is far more powerful and practiced than i could've ever imagined., more precisely, believed.  I now know that we are surrounded by energies of our loved ones that we are able to connect with under certain circumstances, and that we can channel those energies through us. Ancient energies as well. Ones that i will never understand, but can observe and dwell in. 

Same beautiful group Saturday night. We arrive around an hour early with genuine smiles, warm embraces and much discussion of the previous night's magic. The discussions soon lead to this evening's possibilities. 7pm. We take our previous night's mats and soon Gaspar appears. Anna again translates and Gaspar explains that his intent for tonight's ceremony is about forgiveness for everyone in our lives, especially ourselves, and consequently through that, we will be connecting with our inner child. I had an exceptionally abbreviated childhood, so hearing him say this definitely piqued my interest. I don't really understand, and am also a bit nervous as we were told we will be served stronger medicine tonight. Friday night's experience was as intense as I've ever experienced, and I can't imagine "going deeper", but I know I'm not alone.

The bottle in front of us is noticeably darker brown (more concentrated ) in color than the previous night's bottle. 

Again, Gaspar opens the ceremony by audibly praying over the ayahuasca bottle and, when finished, blows three deep breaths into it. Mark then serves each of a our serving, and we wait until everyone has their serving.  Upon instruction, we drink our servings in unison. So bitter!! Even Gaspar makes a face, which most of us chuckle and find comforting.  Lights out, lie back and cover up. Dark, Silence and Anticipation.  What we didn't know until the ceremony was over is that Mark and Gaspar would drink a double amount tonight to be with us. First, a large serving when we all drank, and then just before singing their Icaros, they would each drink a second full cup. Just Wow!!

The fractalled sun appears much as the night before, but it has appeared noticeably sooner and is brighter. Mark starts singing his Icaros. His singing is louder and smoother tonight, with what seems like one long continuous voice. My Sun slowly rotates, radiates much like the sun and slowly closes in until it fully encompasses my view.  Within ?, the most chaotic and varied slide show of ancient Mayan faces, animal outlines, triangles, geometric shapes, straight lines, circles, and squares, and dots on rock cliffs dominate my vision, constantly and rapidly moving left to right, growing upwards, then falling rapidly and disappearing into the Earth, then coming back out of the Earth with even more detail at a faster and faster pace, in more varied and bizarre patterns.. Before drinking our servings, we are told to concentrate on what is directly ahead of us, but i find there is nothing to focus on tonight. Only the intense, and rapidly becoming uncomfortably overwhelming, speed of light freak show that i have been thrown into, again with absolutely no concept of direction or time. The Icaros are the only anchor to reality. 

Mark has finished singing. Silence. Deep and audible breaths start as we are now all in our own vision worlds. The Silence allows us to fully escape and leave reality as there is no anchor left to hold onto. Silence. No audible breaths now. I am in a fully fractalled world of nonexistence in which i am rapidly dissolving, or maybe more accurately, completely losing any and all identity.  The Silence almost hurts. I am searching for an anchor and there isn't one.  I somehow remind myself,  Don't fight the medicine.

It is at this point Gaspar starts with his Icaros and they are noticeably louder and faster paced than the night before. He is directing much more energy  The intensity of what is going on has far surpassed the previous night's ceremony, and tonight's ceremony is still young.  Even with him singing, I am going further and further out, and there is no slowing it down. Gaspar does not sing nearly as long tonight. He has chosen to let silence dominate the ceremony, all with purpose. (He tells us this afterwards).  He has quit singing and soon? I hear an internal "Surrender and Flow" and I do. The fractal storm has hit its peak; I detach and become Light. It is at this point i find an extremely comforting large opening of white Light in the fractal storm, and i slowly move towards it. It draws closer and  larger and closer and larger until i have fully merged with it. There is extreme comfort,  beautiful silence and the utmost of peaceful solitude here. Zero intimidation or fear.

At some point in this Light realm, I "hear", "LET GO. LOVE IS THE FOUNDATION OF ALL EXISTENCE", but not in words. It was at this point, I came back, I remember sitting up, and the rest of the ceremony literally was punctuated with giggles, giggles, more giggles and laughter from myself and all participants. Not much silence. At points, the giggles were so infectious that Mark and Gaspar were audibly giggling themselves, which made us giggle even more. I have never felt such indescribably pure joy in my life. Each of us truly connected with our inner child, and it was the most emotionally beautiful experience of my life. We bounced our energy of love and joy off of one another the rest of the night. PURE JOY, PURE JOY, PURE JOY.!!  At some point, Mark played the peppy Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire in the middle of this beautiful aya music and we all laughed so hard!  I couldn't help running my fingers continuously through my blanket, everything felt new and ready to be discovered. Full Rebirth!  Simply remarkable.

When we all sat up in the morning hours, there was quite a bit of laughter during each of our descriptions. The joy was still pure and apparent. 2am. When finished, we hugged, let tears of joy out and said goodbye until tomorrow night. Gaspar had let us know before he retired to his bedroom that "tomorrow night's medicine would be strong enough to completely detach us from reality". We all laughed and looked at one another in amazement as to what he felt the two previous nights had been.  I have no explanation as to how he can guide these ceremonies so expertly, but he did, and he does.  It isn't the power of suggestion either. He almost states the ceremonial intent in passing, and only says it once. He spends much more time on explaining how to navigate the storm that will present itself, but especially emphasizing to not be afraid. 

Trevor Hall, Emory Hall  -  The Old Story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9x4GCpxroE

^It's absolutely mind boggling how universal much of the imagery is with dmt based journeys.

I wish i could get more people in an ayahuasca ceremony. Words, especially my limited ones, simply fail to describe the experience. If anyone would like to go, please let me know and i can put you in contact with my teacher. He is seriously one of the best. Very dedicated to his craft. Very Loving and Caring. and one of the most affordable anywhere. He has a full time job and doesn't do this for the money. He wants to help heal as many people as he can in this lifetime. He was called to the medicine and Gaspar would not have ever taken him as a student if he had thought otherwise, and I wouldn't have gone back to him even once if i felt otherwise. His medicine gets shipped to him in a concentrate form directly from Gaspar's village in the Peruvian Amazon jungle.  B. caapi and Chacruna, the real deal.  I would love to get my son in ceremony with me. That's a goal. 

Three more ceremonies this past weekend. Three and eleven are life numbers the Shipibo honor, so my teacher's  teacher is 7th gen. Shipibo, runs ceremonies in three's or eleven at a time. 

My teacher, who has been a longtime student of Gaspar,  always has three ceremonies back to back, and this weekend was 7,8 and 9 for me. I am learning that each set of three is a chapter of ourselves, our true selves. Ego eliminated , let the lessons begin. The first two ceremonies are usually beautiful - and difficult - at the same time. For many, vomiting is very common. The alkaloid content is intense and very difficult to stomach. I have yet to purge, even when others around me are very audibly vomiting.   I don't know why.  Aya heals in layers, much like an onion, one layer per chapter. The third ceremony is the pinnacle of the chapter that you are in. A mind bending ending, heart opening........beautiful-beyond-words-ending to the first two ceremonies. 

With lsd, i was out of body one time, and i wasn't at all prepared for it. I freaked out hard ...complete panic, and it was actually damaging. I took two four-ways that, unknowingly to me,  were fresh and absolutely loaded,  i didn't take it seriously, and i paid for it for several months afterwards with strong anxiety. 

Sunday was night three. Myself, one gentleman from Boston, another from Kansas, four from Texas. We were given a moderate dose of very strong, thick, aya brew.  We placed our intentions into the serving, toss it back, wash it down with water.  Then lie down with a blanket and pillow and wait patiently, open mind and heart. No expectations. Each ceremony is substantially different, even with very similar doses. The first two nights i was shown how my inability to forgive myself has held me back from being more open and loving with my son. It was quite painful. Especially Saturday night. She wasn't letting up. I will admit that i had to fight fear going into Sunday night. I didn't want a repeat of the previous two nights, but i also know by now that it doesn't matter what i want. When we ingest something as ancient and powerful as ayahuasca, the Shipibo teach that we are opening a portal, and you will enter that portal. You are out of control completely at that point. There's no stopping her. Learning to surrender fully to all of it, the intense visions, the intense pain, the intense joy, the confusion is lesson number one. Learning that she is always in full healing mode takes time. 

I waited patiently, but didn't get any visions when i normally should have, and then..... bright white light in the corner of my vision (eyes closed all night) radiated fractal diamonds that enveloped me and wrapped me int the most intensely warm and loving blanket of motherly love that i have ever experienced. I sat up, bent all the way down and buried my face in the blanket and bawled like a baby.  Over and over. My brother to my right put his hand on my back and caressed me and his energy calmed me down substantially. When i felt finished, i laid down on my back again, eyes closed and i was immediately face to face with an entity. An astronaut in full suit with the top half of its head completely gone. The energy of the universe was flowing like a raging river. in and out of the top of its head, directly connected to the universe. it reached its hand out to me and i reached my hand out and grabbed on, and I went instantly out of body, any form we each had dissolved and we each became pure energy, all music in the room stopped and complete silence was dominating.

This entity showed me the pit i had put myself into by not forgiving myself, It told me to look up. I could see light and the metal gate that was stopping me from ascending, but it had turned into a shimmering neon rainbow. When that happened we ascended out of the pit, slowly, we ascended a bit more and it told me to look down, and when i did, the earth was avalanching in to fill the pit completely.  The entity told me that the pit doesn't exist anymore and because of that, I can't go back.  We then ascended so rapidly....the earth disappeared, then the solar system, past the stars, the galaxies, faster and faster until we came to the void. we stopped in the void. That completely timeless space i have been to before with bufo, but not with an entity leading the way.  There is a word from the Amazonian tribe(s), not completely sure if it's from the Shipibo, called, Anki, maybe Ahnki, it ,means "the place before time was born" . We call that the Void. The place just before the beginning of the beginning.  There is profoundly deep peace and comfort there. 

It explained that i and everything in existence was born out of the Light of Love and that not loving myself is ignoring that knowledge, in reality, turning my back on it.  It said over and over that this is where we all belong, and that the highest frequency in the universe is Love. Nothing is higher. At some point, it  said it was going to leave and that "i had this". When i felt it let go, i came back into my body, the music in the room returned, and tears of joy poured out.  I felt physically exhausted and turned on my side to rest and let the intense energy even out. I do remember the feeling of deeply seated peacefulness and a huge smile on my face as i lay there. I learned directly after ceremony that i had actually been out of body for a few hours. I had no possible means of knowing how long anything had lasted, nor was i interested, but it explained why i felt so physically exhausted,.  

This was the deepest, most profound experience with this medicine that I have ever had. And I had no idea it was coming. None at all. The third ceremony is where the chapter ends, and all three ceremonies have concluded with the deepest feeling of joy and peacefulness, shedding layer after layer.  The next three will start and end another chapter.  If i were in charge of the world, women would make up political cabinets and anyone who wants to be in ANY position of power and privilege would be required to do a full month of psychedelics before they could ever pick up a pen or gavel. 

Another 3 ceremonies during the last weekend of June, and then a trip to Gaspar's village outside of San Salvador, Peru in early August (the coolest month in Peru ) for a two week diet on Master plants, Noya rao, the Master Father plant of which the Shipibo claim to be only three trees left, with their location being strongly protected, and the ayauasca vine, B. caapi.  Gaspar will be leading us in eleven ceremonies in that fourteen day period,  each at night, in the Peruvian Amazon jungle.  From what I've been told, these will be strong dose ceremonies.  I've been squirreling money away since the early Spring when i was asked if I'd like to go.  I have never been to either coast of the US, and have been on a plane one time in my life, 2018, and that was to go to Pennsylvania to help train people how to grow weed in large greenhouses, so it's time to do something big and go somewhere I've always been fascinated with, the Amazon.  Love to All. 

music from the ceremony....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYf4UH4ONvQ

the group, around 3:30am Monday morning

Thanks, judit. It is important. This is probably the best I've felt in my life. I thought i had received quite a bit of help from bufo, but i now understand why ayahuasca is considered the pinnacle of plant knowledge by the Shipibo. She digs out everything there is that i've shoved down over the years, much that I've forgotten about, wraps herself around me, and together we face it all. One ceremony at a time. Each one is so different. So profoundly powerful. Incredibly powerful. And other-worldly beautiful. Not all the ceremonies have been about my past. Some have been just plain fun. How an ancient plant mixture can bring pure joy, Love and healing from some distant realm where time is nonexistent is so far beyond my ability to describe and understand. But that's the beauty of trust. All you have to do is trust, be patient and focus, and try your best to not be fearful. Just relax and let her come in. Resistance is futile :). 

Bufo is so explosive, I knew from the first ceremony that there would be a limit to what i could tolerate and learn. And that point came last year. It was clear, and i have no desire to go back. I received what i needed from it, and i will be forever grateful for those experiences and lessons. It was the start of the path I'm on, but Aya clearly feels like what I've been waiting for. With these powerful medicines, bufo, peyote, aya, virtually everyone i've had the pleasure of meeting says that "they felt the call".  The voice we all were born with.  The very one that industrial societies would rather you didn't listen to. 

I think daily of the beauty that I've been exposed to through all of these experiences, but what always comes to mind more than that, front and center, is the people I've shared these experiences with in each and every ceremony.  The commonality of pain, and the desire to somehow heal ourselves from it. So much diversity in all aspects of ourselves, yet we share that one desire to find something more than what we can physically grasp on to. These ceremonies are, in reality, so much like the GD concerts i attended. A ceremony with a shared sacrament, with music as the carrier to take us through time and space. New friends made, and at the end of each ceremony, tears, smiles, hugs and Love shared. 

Further. Love to all.

Always a hoot.

- Jerry

>>> I hope your son feels like exploring sometime. It seems so meaningful.

I hope he wants to explore sometime too, judit.  But that decision will be up to him.  My son is more spiritual at his age than i ever was, but he still struggles, and i think this medicine, more than any other, would really help him.  With bufo, and even aya, i don't try ro persuade anyone to do it, but i'll gladly relate my experiences and why i chose to do go through them. Having a place to put my thoughts down where others can read any time they want to, or not, has also been very therapeutic in and of itself. Putting thoughts and experiences to written word seems to carry its own energy.  We are always encouraged to journal our experiences and thoughts in the days, weeks , months following ceremony. Thanks for helping create and maintain the space here to do that. 

>>>>I don't have the urge, but also can't because of hypertension and episodes of palpitations

Those are good points.  Most people say they felt a calling to the medicine. Also, the aya mixture does raise blood pressure a bit; it can also get your heart pumping.  Heart issues are definitely something to be considered.  The blood pressure rise is every time.  I've been blessed with good blood pressure , but i do take 750 mg  of citrulline about an hour before ceremony. This helps the smooth muscles in our blood vessels relax and expand, lowering blood pressure naturally.  We are supposed to go into ceremony "clean". No cannabis,  red meat, pork,  salt, excessive sugar or alcohol for at least a week before and after each ceremony. No meat and salt is easy. No bud and sugar is more difficult for me...lol.   And absolutely no maoi's, ssri's or any drug that keeps seretonin from being metabolized rapidly. 

Hopefully, I'll be able to attend 3 more ceremonies at the end of June, 3 more mid-July, and a couple of weeks after that, 11 ceremoniies in 14 days in Gaspar's village about 20 minutes west of San Salvador, Peru. Gaspar's intent is to show us how to use our minds, our thoughts, and how to use intent to guide your own ceremony, and as a group, all through the power of the plants we will be using.  My teacher said that he will talk for about two to three hours before each ceremony to instruct us of what direction he will guide the ceremony and how we will do it.  Looking forward to it.  

>>>>You have a lot of ceremonies planned for this summer. Do you find that you are living life fully day-to-day or is there some marking of time with the anticipation of when the next ceremonies will be? 

That's a thoughtful question. :)  

I have actually had so much internal "cleansing", by internal, I mean mentally-emotionally, from my exposure to this medicine and the way it is introduced and used in ceremony with full intention of full surrender each and every time in a loving environment that my day-to-day has become so much better :) .  By that I mean, my mind doesn't race nearly as much any more. I can be "in the moment" so much more often and so much more fully that my days seem longer. They don't seem to race from morning to evening at blinding speed because i'm continuously "elsewhere". My workday is busy, but much more enjoyable from being in  the moment. The plants seem to respond better to my new energy. Harvest weights have gone up by a few pounds every month with the same strains and number of plants, with absolutely no changes in the process, other than myself.  Plants are intelligent and intuitive like that. I didn't realize by just how much, though. My friends and family have noticed the changes and have given me nice comments and praise.  So, yes, I am living day-to-day, and the day-to-day has gotten so much better!  Makes me tear up a bit just writing this. At times i want to yell from the mountain top about how great this medicine is, but i also realize it's not for everyone, and i don't want to seem overly zealous, or worse yet, careless.  

In the picture above, my teacher is holding his young son, with his partner to his left, she is bending down a bit. In the last ceremony, the ceremony that's pictured,  both he and she drank the medicine and went in together for the first time that i was in attendance, and that was the one described above that i was fully out of body for so long.  I still think of that experience daily, a lot. She was focusing her mind on the right side of the room, where i was, and he was focusing his mind on the left side of the room.  Most everyone is smiling because it was such a powerful and loving experience, and most everyone had a difficult time talking without crying tears of joy a bit during integration talks immediately afterwards.  Gaspar said when he was here that with experience we will each eventually go from "belief to knowledge". 

The first set of 3 ceremonies were so eye poppingly profound that i did find myself really looking forward to the next set of three ceremonies, but the healing that I would receive from each set was so unique and so powerful - long-lasting effects - that the desire to go again was tempered with the lessons and feelings that were bestowed upon my mind and body from each current set of three.  I found that after each set of ceremonies, there was much i wanted to read, a lot of new music i wanted to listen to,  and new documentaries on youtube and Gaia that I wanted to watch, that i was pleasantly preoccupied until the next attendance. My teacher was correct, I've attended 9 ceremonies and each one is uniquely different from the other.  'No two are ever the same'. 

The only reason i am attending 6 ceremonies  - two sets of three... a ceremony set is always 3 nights in a row  -  is because i want to get in as much experience as i reasonably can before being in 11 ceremonies in a row with Gaspar.  Normally, i wait around 2 months before attending another set of three, so being only two weeks apart is out of the ordinary for me.  I just hope that after 11 in a row, I don't completely lose my shit and decide that i want to live in Peru and attend ceremonies "forever".....lol....jk.  This year has been an unexpected turn of events, to be perfectly honest. Going to the first ceremonies, i was quite nervous. I knew this was real medicine, from a real Shipibo shaman from Peru, and my teacher had to talk me into attending the third ceremony bc the first two were deeply painful. I had to face a lot of things I would've rather not been reminded of, and i didn't want to expose myself to a third night of it, but that third ceremony changed everything for me. Incredibly loving. Very much like, 'You toughed it out. You believed in me enough that you came back. Here's also what i can do, and who i really am' , and wrapped me in a blanket of pure, unconditional Love for the entire 5 - 6 hrs. Just Bliss.  And that's in part how the Grandmother works. Stern, but very, very loving. Always loving.  I'm very grateful and thankful for the help i've received, and the friends i've made.  Some of the bonds will be life long, and i'm interested, and calmly enthusiastic, to see where this road goes. :)

ps. I'll probably continue to give the guys shit every so often about choosing Mayo...lol.. There's still a feeling of needing to kep things real;  don't want to be too lofty. ;)

I forgot to mention a couple of more things. I've been trying tio gain weight with a healthy diet and last year i couldn't put on a pound.  Since my first ayahuasca ceremony this year, I've put on 15 lbs, and feel much better. More energy, my clothes fit better and my blood pressure actually dropped from 125/75 to 105/62, proving to me that my mental state was far more instrumental in my physical well being than gaining weight.  No change in doing more exercise either. 

Also, since using aya this year, i don't have the death dreams anymore, not one. Several times a week i would have dreams of going off a cliff, going up a roller coaster only to find there was no more track, driving head on into trafic, etc. resulting in waking up and being restless. Not once have i had any of those dreams since my first aya ceremony. Not one. My dreams are mostly comical, or nonsensical at best, but no more dream torture anymore. The best choice i"ve made in a long time as far as helping myself has been using ayahuasca with intent in a ceremonial setting. 

The Ayahuasca Manifesto

https://mattedeluz.com/blogs/f/ayahuasca-manifesto

I'll drop my phone number to you later, judit.   If it's ok, i'd love to speak with Zach when he returns. That sounds utterly amazing.

So much depends on just getting there in August. Regardless, I'm going to Goodwill in a couple of weeks and loading up on children's shorts and t-shirts for the village kids. I know my eyes will be opened to the level of poverty in the villages, but the kids seem so genuinely happy. They are loved deeply and it shows in their smiles.....trying not to go in with any expectation, but i know this will be life-changing from multiple aspects.

When Gaspar was here in Denton, Tx., just before i left on the last night of ceremony, he had wandered back to his bedroom. I came in right behind him and whispered his name, he turned around and i gave him the biggest hug and thanked him in spanish, the very little bit that i know. He hugged me and said quite a bit in spanish. I didn't know much of what he said, but his voice was so sincere and soothing. He is the sweetest, kindest soul I've met in a very long time. He's kind on a level that I'm not used to in the states. Pure and Genuine.

The money he makes from us coming down there gets distributed to the surrounding villages, bc the Peruvian gov. does so very little for the natives, from my understanding. The two weeks that he spent in Texas, my teacher forwarded every cent to Gaspar. He took 2 weeks off of his work and didn't keep one penny. That's a big reason why i trust my teacher. Young guy who gets it. Gaspar comes from genuine third world poverty, and the only thing he's concerned with is making sure that everyone who attends ceremony feels loved, and receives the healing they came searching for. With the help of a translator, he took the time to speak to each and every one of us, each night, directly after ceremony to help us understand what we just went through, so that no one left a ceremony feeling lost in space. 

I think of these ceremonies, the people i've met and Gaspar daily. It's almost impossible not to.

I hope Zach has a safe and productive trip. It sounds like he has found his life calling for the time being. How wonderful. :)

I've been trying to collect my thoughts, but each day that passes, I still have one foot in Sunday.  This old fool got properly humbled..

Sunday's ceremony was the ceremony i have been waiting for / working towards / hoping for....actually, for my entire life.

There are no coincidences.  We had a group of intrepid travelers who wanted what we wanted  and were prepared for the experience. Friday night's aya was light brown, a bit lighter than normal. It wouldn't take most of us over the precipice, so my teacher gave us a second cup after 30 minutes. 30 minutes after the second cup, we still weren't quite there, so here comes a third cup. I had the most experience of the group, so my cups were around 60 ml, double what was dosed to others, and 30 ml more than i normally would receive, in preparation for Peru.  Within one minute of ingesting the third cup, the first two hit.  I honestly can't explain what happened, except that i "came to" 6hrs later laughing my ass off and i couldn't stop. This was also the first time i had full diarrhea alter form drinking this much aya. It was truly beautiful. 

Saturday night's aya was dark brown. Much stronger and much more like what we normally see. Aya stays in your system for 24 to 48 hrs, so when you ingest more aya within that time frame, it hits quicker and harder, even if it is the same strength as the previous night. A full 60ml again. noticed it immediately. Normally, the dosage decreases each night due to it already being in our system. Not tonight.  In short order it came on , the flowing fractal river appeared, intense swirling Aztec imagery followed, and soon i was swept into a Mayan temple where extremely black, dark figures from hell would pop up, one right after the other, relentless,  testing my beliefs in Mother Aya.  If ti's Light and Love, it's Mother Aya, if it's anything else, it's the mind playing games.  Zero fear, and although it felt like a tremendous amount of effort,  i could blow the figures away with a single breath, one by one.  Entities that i have never seen, or even imagined in my wildest thoughts or dreams. This went on and on and on and on and on.. Finally, the temple opened and i could see my body wrapped in the constantly shimmering light of a thousand colors. I had passed the test, and at some point, sat up for the rest of the ceremony, the room still dark with music playing, reveling in the feeling of victory and pure joy.

I can't stress how intuitive and telepathic this mixture makes one feel. It is beyond ancient medicine from beyond other dimensions. Truth. 

Sunday night.....around 80 mls of black goo.  When it was my turn, my teacher poured the cup,  looked at me with a thoughtful look, and poured some more. I knew tonight was going to be the night. It was just a little bit less than what he poured for himself.  In minutes, i appeared as a rain drop that fell into a flowing river, cascading over a waterfall, only to evaporate back into the clouds and drop into the river, over and over.....a ritualistic cleansing process. Immediate ego death.... swept out of body into a fractal river...flowing, flowing , flowing back through time. "I" came to a stop at a clay tablet tower that stretched into the sky, not being able to see the end of it, with embedded markings not made by man appearing along its entire face. The tower dissolved from the top down, like vapors disappearing into the atmosphere until it completely dissappeared. Behind the tower were alien figures, on the ground, all moving around one another in synchronous patterns.  The tower was the language of infinite time, where past, present and future exist as one, and behind it were the entities who created it and kept it running. 

The river swept "me" back in and flowed again until "I" stopped and was looking up at the sky. Shipibo masters in full ceremonial dress fully encircled me , hand in hand, and telepathically said, "You're ready", and with that, they looked up at the sky, eyes closed, and slowly moved the Sun directly over me and funneled all of the light they could directly into my being.  I dissolved completely into the Light of Love, atom by atom, each one bursting with the Energy of Love, and from that point on, I could see everyone in the room, hear every sound being made, every note from the music and feel everyone's pain. It was the purest religious experience of my life, In full contact with my own inner divinity. Not divinity from a book, or from fear mongering that if i do abc, I'm going to heaven, but if i do xyz, I'm going to hell.  Pure Love from the beginning of time. I cried tears of joy and relief on the entire drive home the next day, 6 full hours. 

There was so much vomiting going on all ceremony long.  I have yet to vomit.  The medicine was so incredibly strong..... everyone got what they came for.  I learned how to fully surrender with Bufo. When people fight full surrender to ego death and out of body, the first response is to purge. If your mind goes directly to fear, then vomiting is the result of allowing fear to take over the mind. It's the mind's signal to the body to get rid of the substance. But with aya, it's negative energies (fear) being released. There's not a single one of us from Sunday who isn't fully bonded to one another already. It was an extremely deeply spiritual experience for all. By far the most intense one yet for me. 

This is all I'll type. I'll never forget, or really be the same after Sunday. I am still very much in Sunday's ceremony.  Peru in 4weeks to sit through 10 ceremonies in a row within 14 days with my teacher's teacher, just outside of San Salvador, Peru.   A 7th generation Shipibo maestro curandero.  As Lance likes to say, "On it goes."

The most incredible group of travelers I've had the privilege of being with. Sunday night, blankets, pillows, mats and vomit buckets, all of which were well used. A lady who recently escaped from Ukraine, a couple trying to better themselves for their children, a young man from a very troubled childhood, 2 spousal abuse survivors, a rape survivor, a woman who's wife of 23 years died in her arms from a long battle with cancer just recently, my teacher and his partner.  This group was ready to hit it hard, go as deep as possible, and we did. 

Nothing but smiles 

2 songs from that ceremony that are played at specific points either before, during or after the peak. As the peak approaches is when the most vomiting happens. The approaching intensity can feel absolutely overwhelming if you don't surrender. The peak will last around 90 minutes to two hours depending on the dosage.  My teacher is a master of concentration and knows when to sing Icaros, play specific songs or let the silence in the room dominate....

>Pararatove - Nawashahu & Ykashahu Yawanawa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GKfHEmp9d0

This is the one that gets most of us to break down, cry and start releasing the pain that's been pushed down inside.   Melodies and lyrics are very impactful during the peak, and can be imprinted, whether you remember hearing the song or not. There are no denominations supported in ceremony. Those beliefs are left up to each and every individual.

>A Thousand Suns - The Guruganesha Band

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9-I5zeiZ_Y

You're welcome, Judith, and thank you. It is incredibly interesting to me, and my descriptions are minimal at best.  Very much looking forward to Peru. I believe there are 8 of us going. We are each bringing as many clothes for the village children as we can each pack into our allowed carry- on. 

Our teacher said there will be minimal music. The ceremonies go through the night, so the sounds of the insect and animal life will dominate. Gaspar focuses the ceremonies on strong doses and practicing concentration on specific tasks while in the medicine. My limited understanding is that he is a master of guided meditation. So little I know, so much to learn. 

Hopefully, the weather will cooperate for the flight down, as it is approaching hurricane season. Should be quite the all around experience. :)

 

The evening of ceremony you will not eat dinner. The ceremony begins around nightfall. We gather together in the ceremonial maloka, or hut, and sit in a circle along the perimeter. Each guest has their own mat, pillow and waste bucket. The shaman will begin in the center of the maloka and prepare for ceremony by praying and smoking mapacho, or jungle tobacco, to protect and cleanse the space. Once everyone is settled, you are called one by one to receive your portion of the brew. For the initial ceremony everyone will begin with the same small dose.

Ayahuasca dosing is very much based on the individual. Height and weight are not factors and having a larger dose does not necessarily mean you will have a more intense ceremony. Many people find that smaller doses are more effective. After the initial starter cup, you can ask for seconds if you require more medicine. The maestro will smoke and pray to give each participate there dose.

After everyone has drank and returned to their mat, the candles are blown out. The shaman begins singing when he feels it is time, usually after about 20-45 min and will go to everyone to give each person individual icaros. From there, the experience is unique to every individual.

We require all guests to remain in the maloka until ceremony is over. Your facilitators will be in the maloka if you need any assistance, as well as staff on hand to help those who need assistance in getting to the bathroom.  Along with it being dark, being with the medicine can be disorienting. Space and time can become distorted so for your safety you are asked to stay in the maloka and only go to the designated bathrooms or ask for help from one of our helpers, ready to assist you should you need aid.

It is true that Ayahuasca ceremonies can be challenging at times. Vomiting can follow Ayahuasca ingestion; but this purging is considered by many shamans and experienced users of Ayahuasca to be an essential part of the experience, as it represents the release of negative energy and emotions built up over the course of one’s life.

In preparation for the Peru ceremonies, we are required to restrict the following from our diets for 19 days prior, and 19 days after the ceremonies: No refined sugars, sweets, caffeine, salt, spices, seasonings, oils, red meat, pork, dairy, vinegars, fermented foods and citrus fruits/ juices. 

Meals at the village consist of boiled white rice - plain, boiled eggs - plain, plantains and lentils for 14 days....10 nighttime ceremonies, coupled with daily dieting of the teas of what the Shipibo consider the master plants, Noya Rao, Nihue Rao, Mucura, Marosa, Bobinsana and Ayahuasca. We are also required to do a fast before we get to see the Noya Rao tree. Gaspar has agreed to let us see one if we agree to the fast.  We have all agreed, eagerly.  This is a rare tree in the Amazon, and it is highly prized and protected by the Shipibo and Quecha villages. Very humbled at this entire opportunity  :)

Ceremonies 26, 27, and 28 in Texas. 

This is the first time i have had the privilege of sitting with my teacher in front of the other patients as an apprentice.  Not really nervous. Pretty calm and relaxed. As always, everyone who comes in gets a big, loving embrace and a loving smile.  Everyone needs to feel loved and comfortable.  First timers, as i was in January, need all the reassurance that this is a safe, loving environment where they will be allowed to journey and be taken care of and protected as necessary, in any situation, in any capacity.   

We had one person who came in at 70 yrs old and needed assistance walking and getting up and down.  One person who's father committed suicide in front of him. One person who's friend shot and killed their 4 year old daughter in front of them.  Everyone who attended these three ceremonies came in with extremely deep wounds. I was given the background of  most everyone, and we knew this was going to be an intense weekend.  My teacher made a liter of very strong ayahuasca mix. Very strong. It was thick, dark brown and intensely bitter. It's diificult not to vomit immediately upon drinking it. Only one person did so the entire weekend. 

   Friday night, my job was to assist as necessary. Physically helping people to the restroom, making sure people are moving a bit ( signs of life ), breathing, not choking on vomit, alerting my teacher when they are in too deep and feeling like they are losing their mind, which leads to a panic situation, etc.  Fortunately, most everyone gets a quite small dose. This is always done with first timers to see how they react to the medicine, and to be sure they have quit their SSRI's like they are supposed to. If there are SSRI's still in your system, a small dose of strong ayahuasca will cause a sky rocket reaction and that person will go in very deep, quite quickly.  Panic almost always ensues and it is sheer hell.  Four people are coming off of SSRI's this ceremony weekend. 

He pours  each person their dose and I hand it to them with a loving smile. However, my teacher pours the same dose for me that he pours for himself....large, i mean big.  I look at it and know this is a test. Just spent 2 weeks in Peru, sitting in 12 ceremonies, but it's been a full month of sobriety, so I'm a bit intimidated.  This ayahuasca is  generally stronger than what we had in Peru, because it comes very concentrated and doesn't get diluted down too far. We silently place our intentions into the cup. Drink it down in unison. The music starts.  Palo Santo and mapacho are used to cleanse the room each night. 

Well, I'll keep this short and just say that i ended up wrestling with the floor at one point....lol.  Pretty sure the floor won...lol.  Fortunately, no one needed asistance bc their doses were so small. I was able to keep tabs on the room most of the night, but not like i should have. My teacher and his wife were able to handle what i couldn't just fine, so i felt relieved, but also very humbled at the strength of the dose i received, and I felt like I had let him down. 

It is not hard to get lost in those realms of infinity if you can't concentrate.. My teacher told me that was the purpose of the large, high strength dose. I need to learn to concentrate through the medicine at high doses so that i can manage the energy in the room as it leaves the patients, and to be able to sober up immediately when someone needs assistance.  This man is a genuine Maestro trained by the Shipibo Maestros for 5 years in Peru, around 700 ceremonies under his belt, and his capabilities to concentrate and be in the moment while extremely deep in the medicine is truly amazing.  I apologized for letting him down. He laughed and later told me stories of his training that made me feel better. Nothing but Love and Patience from this man. I'm very lucky. And very, very humbled. At integration around 2 am, I apologized to everyone, but no one even noticed. Lucky.

    Saturday night, doses get noticeably larger for everyone, bc no one had an adverse reaction the night before. I hand each patient their cup, always with a loving smile.  I sit on the sofa next to my teacher and reassure him that i will focus harder tonight.  Then he pours the same big cup as Friday night and I'm intimidated, but the training wheels are off and I need to be able to ride. Like Friday night, we silently place our intentions into our cups and drink it down.  Music is started. Within a short time, the tears are starting to flow as the medicine digs in deeper than the previous night.  Egos are getting vaporized and infinity is upon us. One patient in front of me sits up and asks for help. While my teacher helps him, the 70 yr old person needs assistance to the bathroom. The room is starting to pixelate strongly, but  I'm focusing without much problem, and we get to and from the bathroom no problem.  I'm very happy with the improvement, but the night is young.  All necessary help has been attended to and we're back on the sofa.

Sobbing and Tears are flowing full force now. Hearts are wide open and the tsunami of facing and releasing these insidious, buried traumas is happening. Normally at this point in ceremony, i'll start crying bc of all the pain my heart is connecting to, but instead, I have a huge smile on my face and an overwhelming feeling of being flooded with unconditional Love that is flowing through me and out into the room to all who are present.  In short, this was a huge improvement but i couldn't sit still. I could feel the energy of the music, the force of all the Love i was connected to, and swayed all nigh to both.  At one point my teacher asked me to sit still and concentrate harder. I tried and successfully did that for about three seconds...lol, but i was still able to be present as needed.  With all that was released that night, during integration, there were so many smiles and descriptions of relief.........just beautiful!!   And several patients commented on a feeling of strong, unconditional Love being present as their journeys were progressing, even during the strongest portions of their release.  This medicine is beyond description in all that it does. Time doesn't exist, egos disappear completely,  the opening of our subconscious, and healing on an ancient and truly magical level occurs.  

    Sunday, a bit larger doses for everyone.  A warning that ceremony three is deeply intense bc of 2 days of previous medicine already in our bodies.  Another large dose for me. Tremendous crying tonight.  The medicine is digging hard at the deepest, most buried memories of the subconscious.  The third night becomes fully spiritual,  bc the ego is fully dead, out of the way, and our spirit is transported to a dimension of ultimate healing, bathed in the strongest, purest white light where nothing that is dark and buried can hide anymore.  A full cleansing with Unconditional Love to fill the void that is left from the release. 

After much sobbing, bodies become very still tonight.  People are in very deep. I am walking around gently monitoring breathing.  I am in deeper than I've ever been, but I can walk around quietly, monitor peoples movements,and  help the 70 yr old patient back and forth to the restroom several times. I help people purge.  Tonight, i deliver the second cup offering, and tell the few who want it to place all their Love into that cup, bc Love heals Everything, Absolutely Everything. People look into my eyes as I hand them their cup, with tears flowing, and I tell them how brave they are, and how much they're Loved. These are eyes i can't forget.  So filled with the Hope of finally finding relief from their deepest pain.  I feel nothing but Love for these brave souls. This was a long ceremony tonight. It was the most intense one I've ever experienced due to the intense trauma many of the patients were coping with.  Much, much energy released.  And a lot of strong medicine. 

    Integration tonight was filled with very sad stories, but each patient came away with big, beautiful smiles on their faces. Smiles and laughter that  exude happiness and relief..  The thanks for our care and Love bring tears to our eyes,  bc that's the only payback i need and want.  Western medicine and practices have failed these people miserably. Endless regiments of antidepressants that numb like alcohol. Not working? Hey, let's up the dose.  We always tell people that these ceremonies are NOT for the faint of heart.  Everyone is fully prepped on what to expect, and as ceremony starts, the room gets quiet and serious. You have to fully face your deepest pains until you can let go of them.  And it fucking hurts!  This is NOT a joy ride. But going in deep is what it takes to dig the pain out. Patients are vetted before being allowed to participate, and those who simply want to experience it are excluded. I feel very, very blessed to have had my own personal success with Ayahuasca, and to be able to help others in this arena is truly a feeling of fulfillment and of giving back something precious to humanity.  And I Love the Hugs :)