Suicide

Bummer. 4 recently is a lot. I always thought a doomsday medical condition was a valid reason, but I'm not sure what else qualifies.

It's not an answer to anything, but in his text the The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus writes “There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide," which seems like a rational observation once you adopt an absurdist point of view. To be clear: Camus doesn't recommend suicide, but rather urges us to ask the question.

A few years ago, I went through a really bad time where I was sleepwalking almost every night. My doctors had no answers, and after a few months of waking up on the ground in my yard, or waking up screaming as my head slammed into the coffee table or against the floor with my head cracked open or my front teeth chipped, I was feeling pretty well done with the living thing. I thought about checking myself out, but what kept me here was the idea that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem.

I eventually found a neurologist who helped me withdraw from gabapentin (despite the medical literature having nothing to say about gabapentin and sleepwalking; he had a hunch, and I was desperate enough to try anything), and as soon as I made some progress getting off of it, the sleepwalking stopped, and hasn't returned for a couple of years. I sleep beautifully now. Eight hours a night, mostly uninterrupted, refreshing, and filled with dreams that fascinate me on a nighty basis. 

I still see life as an absurd proposition, but I also pretty regularly find wondrous things that make my continued existence a thing to be desired.

Fishcane , I have never understood suicide. I've been fortunate to have never been in the at valley.  Even the most depressing time in my life from th side effects of the infamous interferon treatments for the Hep c.

Bro, we getting older times change and we take care of our own. Nothing ground breaking here . I don't dwell on anything anymore. 

That's it.  It sucks.

Vibes!!!!

I'll add. I wouldn't mind some heroin if it came to that. 

1 is too many, but 4?  I'm really sorry Fishcane. That's a lot to process. 
I hope those connected / affected can help each other move through the layers of grief. 

Sorry to read that, fishcane. I'm not sure if it's more and more, but maybe with a higher population it is.  One thing is for certain, a society as sick as ours offers ripe conditions fro more suicide. Sadly enough, veterans are at the top of the suicide rate list. 

I had 2 friends who committed suicide during high school, and 2 shortly after high school. Had a neighbor who was 19 when i was around 8 yrs old whose parents went to go get groceries one afternoon and she stuck a shotgun in her mouth in their kitchen and that's what they came home to. I can still picture her parents running out of their house screaming when they got back.  Two people, separate incidents,  took their lives by sitting on the train tracks a block away from where i grew up. Sat down ant night and waited for the Amtrak train to come along. I've grown up surrounded by suicide. Fast forward 30 yrs from those suicides, and i worked with one of the police officers who had to pick up body parts on those train tracks for over a quarter of a mile. 

When i was 14, i couldn't take the abuse i was enduring and what was running around in my head anymore, went downstairs one afternoon, put a bullet in my dad's 38 revolver, lined it up for the next shot, put it to my head, pulled the trigger and nothing. Looked at it again, lined it up again, put it to my head again, pulled the trigger again and nothing.  I laughed and then cried bc i figured i couldn't even do that right. The bullet was a dud. Billions of 38 bullets are made annually. The odds are astronomical that even one is a dud. Always figured someone was watching over me since that day. Found weed very shortly after that, and, in all honesty, Santa Maria was my savior. She allowed me to see and experience happiness. Looking back, after all the ayahuasca ceremonies I've had, Santa Maria was Divine intervention for me. Plant medicine has been key in my life. 

One thing I know about suicide is this: people become very calm shortly before taking, or attempting to take,  their life. I remember my decision was concrete, it was happening.  Long periods of depression and feelings of hopelessness are hallmarks.  Torment is the correct word to describe what goes on mentally, and when there seems to be no path to relief, the burden becomes too much. Talking at that point is useless. The decision is made. Many people think of it. A fraction of that percentage go through with it.   Intervention needs to happen well before a decision is made. 

I have sat with many people in ayahuasca circles who have either attempted suicide, or have had loved ones commit suicide, trying to heal from feelings of loss and/.or guilt. I often tell my story in ceremony of when i was 14, sometimes in the group setting, sometimes privately.   I've been fighting tears typing this. At almost 61, being able to help others heal and find emotional relief / renewed hope in their lives has been a blessing in my life i never saw coming. I think of that 14 yr old boy on occasion now, smile, and say 'Thank You' into the ether.

Sorry for your losses. 

Well said and thanks for sharing, Joe.

Thought this was going to be a thread about Alan Vega's pioneering No Wave band.  
 

Sorry to hear about your friends Fishcane, that's a lot of grief to process.  I'll trust that between your marathon training and fishing treks, you are already remembering to be kind to yourself.  The light and dark sides of life are ever present.  May you remain in light.

About six weeks ago, my youngest Swedish cousin's 21 year old daughter took her own life.  A talented artist and beautiful young adult, her death shocked and devastated all of my family.  She was suffering from continual intestinal pain from Crohn's disease.  Even though Sweden has universal healthcare, she wasn't getting the help she needed.  Her parents and older sister are working through their grief, but it's a tough burden.

Conversely, my 36 year old nephew succumbed to an inoperable brain tumor this past Thursday.  It was first diagnosed when he was 13.   He outlived the original prognosis by five years.  It would have been easy for him to check out earlier, but he courageously endured 3 brain surgeries and many rounds of chemo until accepting there was nothing more to be done.  His family are of course saddened, but  also glad his soul is free from pain.  It has been a long ordeal for all of them, but with time to prepare themselves for the inevitable outcome, they are all managing their grief well 

It's not my business to judge anyone's decision on how to live their life. Everyone has different abilities and resources to cope and manage pain.  We survivors get a chance to carry on.

This is a photo of my nephew Jack, his beloved golden retriever Darwin, and I at Stinson Beach a couple of years ago when I was visiting with them during HSBG.   Jack said it was Darwin's favorite place on earth. 

Suicide Is Painless

Johnny Mandel

Through early morning fog, I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless (suicide)
It brings on many changes (changes)
And I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works it's way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
"Is it to be or not to be?"
And I replied, "Oh, why ask me?"

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
And you can do the same thing if you please

Man, suicidal depression is such a powerful force

The possibility of surviving and having to live with it was really the deterrent 

Thankfully the plant saved my life too

love and respect

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

Sorry for these losses. Peace be with their Families and loved ones.