Could Use Some Vibes for My Family

Thank you everyone for the well-wishes, support and condolences.  Fuck- these last couple days have been hard- and emotional.  We had a very small wake with the immediate family this morning and i think that's when the finality of this sunk in with my daughter.  She was screaming and crying as we left and was a wreck on her way to preschool.  I did make her teachers and the office know what's going on and they've been super supportive.  I've been blown away at the warmth and love from them right from the start of this school year.  Her class has 6 other kids and 2 teachers.  Great ratio!

Ugh this all sucks so bad.  Looking forward to my midweek jam tonight with my buddy on drums.  We've really been getting after it and having fun.

Angela's obituary:

RIP Annie

https://www.tributearchive.com/obituaries/18756192/ANGELA-L-MORGAN/Coven...

I figure I'd provide a little closure to this thread with something positive and heartwarming.  The week before my daughter's Mom passed we got a cat for our house and my daughter has fallen in absolute love with her.  Her name is Toulouse.  It's really something how much she lights up every time she sees the cat around the house.  Toulouse has really tied our home together and we've been saying how we couldn't have picked a better cat.  My daughter said the other day how she's still sad over losing her Mom but she's glad she has a cat to be with her now.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.  I've been way ahead of the game this year with presents and have everything done.. I'm usually scrambling.  My daughter slept at her grandma's last night so I did a little dry run to see how everything looks under the tree.  Lookin' good.  Presents back away and picking my daughter up in a few hours.

For now.. just grabbed a slice from the dispensary and listening to some JGB.

>.Make reindeer food with oats and sparkles and what not

I have a few bags of it around somewhere but can't locate it.

Dry run photo:

>>Jay Zoner and Dad of the year

hah.. I'm flattered for the nod but I think of myself as more of an ancillary/auxiliary Zoner.. I don't interact on enough threads or get sucked into a lot of the day-to-day here.

>>So tell us how it went, Jay. 

Christmas went well and smooth without a hitch.  Spent Christmas Eve with my immediate family and went out to eat in our own little igloo that my parents had reserved before going back to their house to open presents.  My daughter got so much shit- she always does  Between all the presents from my parents, brother and sister Christmas Eve, presents from Santa at my house Christmas Morning and then more presents Christmas Day at grandmas from her, aunts and uncles.  It's great seeing her happy and everything- I just get almost nauseated at the amount of stuff and trash and shit.  Easter is the same shit.  4 or 5 Easter baskets.

We set up a fish tank today in our kitchen/dining room area.  Pics below.  Treating water now before getting our fish.

Hi folks.

I’d like to share a few things and bring those of you interested up to speed with some developments in my life.  For those who’ve been following my posts over the years, you’ll recall back in January 2015 I moved into a new apartment and exposed myself to black mold and became very unwell.  Through the course of 2015 and 2016 I moved four times- each time contaminating my new apartment accidentally and perpetuating the exposure to what was causing me to swell and inflame dramatically.   I then proceeded to live in a contaminated apartment through the duration of the lease while Kaelyn was a baby and living predominantly with her Mom.  These were very unhappy times dominated by depression, lonileness and substance abuse.  By 2019, I had moved out of the fourth contaminated apartment to regroup at a friend’s house and try a new “containment” strategy for moving again.  Well, that worked out and I bought my first home in April of 2019.  I love this house so much and everything about it.

I really cannot understate how awful and scared I felt for so long.  While removing me from the exposure was great in that I could finally breathe again clearly without my body immediately reacting, the underlying inflammation never went away and I’ve never regained my health to where it was prior to 2015.  It’s been scary and alarming to say the least- I feel in many ways this ordeal has robbed me of what was left of my youth (I’m now 33).  It’s really fucked with me profoundly to not have a home I can exist in without being ill for so long and I’ve lost touch with many of my friends and old social patterns.

I bring this all up because in August of 2020 I was setting up a jam room in my basement and moving old boxes around and I somehow reintroduced the irritant back into my living environment and was immediately thrown right back into the throes of extreme inflammation and disorientation.  It was the biggest kick in the gut I’ve ever experienced in my life- overnight the home I’m in love with and have been thankful for everyday turned into another of those prior apartments where I was unwell in.  Just massive, massive disorientation to a point where my face swells and my eye sight blurs and I have a hard time focusing my eyes on anything.  Over the last few months I’ve been having difficulty reading my laptop while sitting at my desk- the distance from my head to the screen is just too far for my eyes to focus and read correctly.  It’s disturbing.  I work from home and its been really difficult.

So then Angela passes away and I feel the full heaviness of this weight on my back as everyone’s eyes turn to me and all dialogue to me is how Kaelyn is so lucky to have a strong Dad and this and that while I’m struggling through every day and think of myself dying daily.  Dying as a means for relief.  Each day- for years- just a series of unbearable moments of difficulty, fear and anxiety.  Since August I’ve really been so defeated and further retreated back into myself while hiding behind Kaelyn and my role as a Dad.  I decided not to tell anyone in my life what happened because I know how I’m perceived as crazy by some and it’s very hurtful. There’s a second layer to my health struggles which involves an unresolved ankle sprain from when I was a teenager skateboarding.  I walked around on a bummed ankle for 10 years after a severe ankle sprain and it caused my left ankle, knee and hip to throw off from over compensation and I developed a pathological gait.  This subsequently caused my pelvis to throw off and I began to accumulate scar tissue while losing mobility over the years.  Since 2014, I’ve been doing PT, chiropractor, weight training, yoga etc and have been restoring my gait/posture slowly over time.  

My hopes for feeling better these years have been tied to the fact that I will be repaired mechanically-speaking in the future- this is for certain.  I am fixing it and making progress- that is indisputable.  My logic has been that once my body can calm the fuck down- I will begin to feel better.  It’s been brutal working through all the scar tissue and it's compounded everything these years.

Anyway- with all of that out of the way and the table set- I post today with some significant positive news in my situation.  Last week I was feeling so fucking down and got inspired listening to a podcast with someone who was adamant about vitamins and healthy supplements and stuff.  I went to the store and got myself the following:

- Organic Apple Cider Vinegar gummies (700 ml)

- Super heady probiotic

- Organic Turmeric extract (500 mg)

- Organic Men’s multi vitamin

I began to feel immediate relief after just 1 fucking hour of taking these on Thursday (2/4).  Today is my 5th day in a row feeling well-it’s as if someone deflated my face and I feel absolutely amazing from like inside my cells through to every part of my body.  I haven’t felt like this since before 2015 and I’m really just amazing and floored at how powerful this little concoction is and where I’m at right now.  It’s truly incredible and difficult for me to articulate here in words adequately.

My daughter and I are reading the Wonderful Wizard of Oz right now and I can’t help but feel lie Dorothy- this whole time I wanted to feel better (go home) and the answer was under my nose and in my ability the whole time (Dorothy and her slippers).  I literally felt like I had tried everything and I did not have any expectation these vitamins would have an impact.

I’m relieved and frankly just beside myself- I can’t remove the smile from my face and it shows in my interactions with everyone in my life the last few days.  I’ve always been a very friendly and outgoing person and love socializing and talking to woman.  The last few years I have been so holed up and just numb- I felt dead inside for so long.  My struggles have taught me about suffering and have provided me with a level of empathy I had no idea existed.  I’m a stronger and wiser person today than at any point in my life and I’m relieved with every ounce of my being to be back.  While withdrawing from most social obligations the last 6 years, I've had a hyper focus on my hobbies and am more proficient in music, skateboarding and reading than at any point in my life.  My lack of control of my health allowed me to refine my control of every other aspect of my life.  I have a home I truly love- a family that loves the hell out of me and I'm bursting with inspiration and creativity.  I've felt like I've been just existing for some long and, today, I'm living~

Thanks for hearing me out.  Love you guys.

Thanks guys.  

BK,

I really appreciate the link.  Just sent an email requesting info.  I'm in no way out of this.  The best way I can describe it is my body has been out of control on fire and I'm now beginning to dampen it with water signficantly.  It's still smoldering- burning- even, but I'm feeling so much better.  The woman you recommended uses the Shoemaker protocol which is the benchmark in mold treatment- I'm not so hurting on money at the moment so if it's anything reasonably priced I can pursue.

Alan,

I had some unsatisfactory experiences with doctors throughout this thing.  I'll articulate them later.

>>You might look into a health care provider that works with auto-immune syndromes, hormone imbalances, and nervous system conditions (physical and mental) -- all linked to gut bacteria.

Ugh man- my experience with doctors has been a runaround of epic proportions with minimal compassion or empathy showed towards me in various care settings.

When I first got sick in January 2015 (January 1st- I had gone to PhilRAD at the Cap 12/31/14 and my life changed in a major way the next day) I first visited with my existing PCP to discuss with him.  He seemed skeptical that a healthy 27 year old kid could get so ill from being exposed to mold for 3 weeks.  To recap, I unknowingly exposed myself when I began running an old humidifier i got out of storage- the filter was completely caked with black mold which I was pumping into my living environment.  I began to ask questions about the inflammation and how my diet may impact it and he was dismissive of the notion that my diet could impact how my body was coping with the foreign invaders.  Needless to say, I left his practice and moved on to find a new healthcare provider.

My next stop on my health journey was to visit this local place called Farmacy Herbs and I had a consultation with an herbalist who I was very impressed with.  She was super compassionate/knowledgeable and made me a tincture and anti-inflammatory blend of herbs for tea infusion.  The herbalist partners with an MD to provide an integrative, holistic health approach which was very appealing to me- sounded right up my alley.  I then become a patient of the new MD and immediately begin to make observations that question my decision to go up with him.  First, I mentioned the degree of physical pain I was(and still am) in.  I inquired about Physical Therapy and he instead suggested reiki and cranial sacred massage.  Both of these are considered pseudo sciences and I was immediately put off as I don't understand how a credentialed MD would suggest this for me.  Additionally, he also found it skeptical that I was so unwell after such a brief exposure.

I then decided to go up to Mass General Hospital in Boston and found a "mold specialist" who was able to see me after a 3 month wait.  I was so excited; my Dad brought me and was there for emotional support.  The doctor came in and was immediately put off at the research I had done and resources I had brought in.  My impression was that she felt put off by an "armchair" doctor using Google when, in actuality, I had published medical journals from Pub Med.  She had never heard of Dr. Shoemaker and shrugged off his perceived expertise.  Furthermore, when I presented the order sheet to her she balked at ordering any of them for me.  After going back and forth she eventually said "Alright, I'll give you a couple" and wrote a couple down.  As I was walking down to the LAB in the hospital, I literally wrote in a few more LABS and, while I was frustrated with the interaction, I was excited that, at least, the LABs were in process.  Well, the labs were inconclusive; 1 test had a lab accident on the specimen, 2 were inconclusive and the other 2 didn't tell me much.

All this time I was throwing out my belongings and moving, repeatedly.  All while feeling like my body was shutting down and dying every moment in my homes.  I really have no idea how I've been able to push through this and when I reflect on it all and type this out I have a pit in my stomach that makes me feel sick and anxious.  It's traumatic for me.

...back to the second PCP who works with the herbalist, he has the following book in his waiting room, in addition to some other sketchy material:

https://www.amazon.com/Messages-Water-Vol-Masaru-Emoto/dp/4939098001

Now I am not a scientist or anything but this book sounds like a total crock of shit to me.  What's more, is this guy has shitty artwork by his kids for sale for $1000 a fucking picture.  I brought it up to him innocuously one time.. "So you sell your kids art out in the waiting room"?  Just in the last year I went back to him and told him I NEED to get into PT and he finally wrote a script for me.  PT has been a BLESSING for me and has been a major saving grace for me, helping me get moving correctly.  The fact that this guy rejected my attempt at PT 3 years ago is completely fucked IMO.  Absolute garbage.  I could have been fixed- biomechanically speaking- by now.

What's more, in November I contracted Covid-19 and was very worried, given everything else going on.  I called his office for a test and his voicemail informed me he no longer has a secretary and does not check voice messages anymore- patients need to text him.  I texted him politely and informed him I was sick and needed a test and he literally told me to "Just Google it".  I pushed back and said "Excuse me- you are my doctor.  I need some guidance" and he responded that "I did give you guidance".  After going back and forth with him I got him to order my test and then I wasn't able to access the results without him first reviewing them so I had to twist his arm to get him to respond to my texts for lab results.  He then launched into a politcal diatribe about how he can't keep up with buearacratic nightmare anymore and that he will no longer be seeing adult patients as of January '21.  Currently, I'm without a PCP and trying to get my records from this asshole.

I don't usually leave negative reviews online or file complaints but I am completely appauled at this guy and how he approached my care.  Here's the website for his "practice":

http://www.sagehealingcollaborative.com/

Thinking of leaving a review/complant so this doesn't happen to anyone else.

My money has been so fucking tight this last year- I have a disturbingly high credit card balance which I was hoping to pay down aby 40-50% with my tax return this year.  I'm willing to put off credit card debt repayment to get in with the doctor BK shared.  She just reached out to me.  My car is in the shop- just got the call that it's 1200 dollars to fix.

Again, I'm extremely relieved to have some relief.  While I am still considerably swollen and not anywhere near my pre-mold health, the fact that these vitamins have had such a powerful, immediate impact is extremely encouraging and I'm sitting here- today- in my HOME, not thinking of killing myself to release pain.  It's so fucking dark and I've been very emotional the last few days feeling just a sliver of my health return.

This whole ordeal has made me super fucking jaded.  You can skim through just this thread and see my dark summarization of Christmas and misery.  My family wanted to support me through this and they DID attend my appointments and I would get so mad at them that they were siding with the doctors and deeming I was OK.  I've been so furious at so many things and it shows as I burst at the seams under pressure.  From just the last 6 days, I feel like my old self and everyone in my life has noticed.

I'm going to go through with this doctor in VT, BK.  Thank you everyone for your love and support.  All of this shit is stuff that I just stopped talking about to anyone a couple years ago and everyone has thought it was all water-under-the-bridge.  I've been so holed up- blocked off from any sort of emotional or physical intimacy when I have a raging labido and desire for human connection.  It's been very sad but I am optomistic, and relieved.

>>>Ritchie Shoemaker likes to treat with cholestyramine

I actually got a doc to prescribe me this back in 2017 but I fell off with it because I was so unwell and not seeing any results.  I'd love to try again now that I'm actually combatting the inflammation somewhat.

Add to all of that the fact I contracted one of those nasty STD's people get in 2016 and I have no idea if it's gone or not for good.  When I DO have an opportunity to be intimate with a woman I wrestle with the conflict of should I inform or should I not and assume everyone has it, because most sexually active people do have it.  All of this has led to me turning inward and partying alone- often abusing MDMA and watching too much internet porn.  I've probably used MDMA 150-200 times, often times in unsafe amounts, in the last 6 or 7 years and wonder how much just that has fucked with me.  

>>how the hell are you even getting it up if you're doing too much?

Sildenafil and Molly.  Resulted in an unexpected pregnancy and an STD! Ha.